Nov 19

 Yesterday all things considered was a bit of a better day. I actually had some energy and zip for a change, albeit, it dipped and wobbled, nausea came and went, and of course, I slept long.

But still.

There were moments in the day where I felt ballpark alive.

This is a big deal.

I am under no illusions however that this is anything more than a temporary blip. It always is.

Today I am exhausted. Couldn't sleep. Up in the morning anyway to deal with a work problem - successfully. Which makes a difference. Not beating my head bloody against a miserable wall for a change. Go in. Do something technical. Fiddly. Resolve it where others have failed. And out again, all before lunch. Very good. The Johnny of old. Although I do rather feel that this is less about me, and more about the layers of cruft that are now accreting at work. On the one hand - I am much less burdened with day to day stuff. On the other hand. The work process slowly fills with pointless shit, wasted time and modern vapid trend following. I reflected yesterday that I had become thoroughly dispirited with most of my work. It had succumbed to the what the rest of the world has succumbed to. Idiocy. Brainless following of trends Because Everyone Else Does That, a shortage of critical thinking and yada blah. Meh. My beloved IT has become infected with the modern rot of bullshit. At least. Workwise it has.

Tricky. There are somethings there for me to work through. I need to let it go. And let it meander on as it will. It is no longer my baby. And it is also now way more full of shit and needless crap. I am not that work. That work is not me. I still have an affinity for all things computer. I do not have an afinity for pointless shit. Seperate yourself from the work. Untangle that thread.

It's fine. I just need to take time to adjust.

Gout is mostly gone at this point. But it does still wax and wane on a 24 hour cycle. Worse after sleep. Better after being awake. Better still if I eat nothing.

Less foot pain means happier me. I mean. It's relative. Everything is shit. But. Eh. Less shit than it was before.

Of course. Having a somewhat better day yesterday, once I was in bed, in the dark, trying to sleep with a mind still ticking over, I just had to stick my finger in the wound to see if I still felt shit.

Athena.

I was not sad about her. Are you sad about her ?

The sleeping dragon roused from its slumber.

Ah. Yeah. There it is. The well of grief and sadness.

Ok ok ok.

It passed over me. It reminded me how many months, days, hours it had been since she had gone. It reminded me how bits of her and Ares were forever slipping away from me. Mortality. The cruelty of it. 

But it drifted off. I didn't pursue it. I put it down and moved on. Not ignoring it. Not burying it. A little at a time. Do not jump into the vat of acid. 

I miss them both horribly. I miss my life back then. I miss being healthier. I miss the walks. And the routine. And the lovely outside. That bit of me. The majority of who I was. Is now well dead. It has taken months for it to die. It is fully dead at this point. I am a fraction of what I was. A glimmer. That nurses myself in ill health in solitude and quiet. It is the shape of the end game.

Ho hum.

In other news.

I took some time yesterday to noodle a little more with the CNC machine. I have been running a few tests. Refining. Improving. Until yesterday I bit the bullet - probably a little prematurely - and went for a full on cut of my design in a box lid. I did this knowing full well it would likely be problematic, but, it would be a learning excercise.

The result -

Its off center. In both directions. My bad for not manually checking the alignment. But. Otherwise. It's good ! This is after I had cleaned it up a little - a light sand, a quick whizz around to remove fuzz, and a teeny tiny bit of filler to cover up some splintering. The wood is so soft it's not ideal for this kind of work. Understatement. But. I am happy with the result.

The next one will be properly centered !

Next step is to stain it. Something very dark. I have mulled over all sorts of options in the preceding months. Paints, lacquers, stains, colours. A dark stain it is. And then. Cloisonne ! Fill that indented detail with coloured "enamel".

Plenty of room to fail still. A lot of learning steps to do. And my energy and health is shockingly shit. So. Uh huh. 

But progress. Cool stuff.