Nov 22

 I can't seem to sleep. No matter how little sleep I am getting or how tired I am. My brain constantly ticks over and I spend hours lying there awake. Inevitably I give up, flick a video on, and then try again after 20 minutes.

It doesn't work.

So last night I slept for 30 minutes. Very sleepy, very tired, dropped off. 30 minutes later wide awake. And then singularly failed to get back to sleep again.

So.

Clearly I am not very good at this shit anymore. Or good at waiting. Or something. Perhaps I have spent too long being a mental fuck up. Or my ill health preys on me. Whatever it is.

I have spent a lot of the time since yesterday in some state of anxiety or other. Ready for today. The many calls, organisation, moving my car from one garage to another.

Really, it's straight forward. Call garage A. Confirm they can accept it. Deal with it. Get a price. Call recovery. Get them to move it. Call garage B. Confirm it's being moved.

But that sitting around waiting for everyone to open. Waiting for all the plans to go in motion.

Anxiety.

I have got bad with this in the last few years. I never used to worry about it. Now I fret. About a GP appointment. Any kind of thing that has a time on it. I fret. About hitting the time.

So. Yeah. Clearly I am failing to be a proper adult.

Anywho. This morning I have done all the things. Once it was time, the anxiety went away, and it's all business. Friendly. Chatty. Competent. Clear. Like a well oiled machine. And yet. Anxiety. Clearly I can do this shit - and I'm actually very good at organising shit. But. I don't know. The mentals. Who knows.

Getting the car moved this morning was far from easy. Six recovery agents down - half of them not responding, the other half too busy. I began to think that this was going to be another problem on my plate. Finally someone agreed to move it about.

Everyone is up to speed. Plans are in place. In theory all I have to do now is sit back on my arse and pay bills.

All in all - without even getting to fixes - this little episode is going to cost me £400. All because of a fucky battery put in last year. I am not angry at them for doing so. I am grateful for the help I get. Shit happens. Let's just get on fixing it. So I have not been short with anyone.

The Ford main dealer can't do a proper fix until 4th December the earliest. 2 weeks out. I don't need the car in that time. But 2 weeks is a fair old wait. They have said they will give it a check over first, and maybe maybe they can fix it earlier depending on the severity of the issue. I get it. They don't have a proper slot until the 4th, but maybe a tinkering half slot will fix the issue.

At this rate, the MOT is due in December. So. I've just told the Ford dealer to do the MOT whilst they are there ( assuming the car hasn't exploded into a ball of flame - doubtful ).

Being without a car has also fed my anxiety a little. Absolutely ridiculous. Why is my anxiety like this. I lived for decades without a car. But then. If anxiety was rational, there would be a whole heap less people who suffered from it. Anxiety almost by definition is irrational.

Nevertheless. Anxiety or not. I am doing the thing. Grit your teeth. Get a grip. And do the thing. 

When did I turn into such a flake.

I think perhaps I am too used to living a quiet life. But also beset by mental health issues and chronically ill. It takes a toll I think. It's surprising just how much it does. Perhaps it shouldn't be surprising really.

I talked to a few people yesterday after the horrible day. And to be honest it made a big difference. It calmed me down. Let me feel less overwhelmed. Tamped down the anxiety.

And whilst I did that. In some highly frazzled state of twitchy adrenaline. I did actually manage to get my CnC machine cutting out another box lid. This one was properly centered. And has come out perfect. Very cool. Today I think I will do the last remaining box lid I have here at the moment - I have ordered another two boxes. The first off center box I think I will use as my test piece. Testing each step of the process on that one before doing it on the correct boxes.

I have been mulling over again finishes et al. I think I will after all stain the boxes black - I watched a carpentry video the other day and he used a lovely black stain which came out awesome, which has swayed me to use a properly black stain. I think, if I can bothered, I will also inner line the engravings in gold paint. It will be a lot of work and faff. And I am not sure if it will show. But. It's something I am going to try on the test box first. If it does work it will mean the engraving will have a gold edge to it.

As I am car less, I have ordered black stain online. I had intended to pick it up locally. But. Yeah. I am not going anywhere for a couple of weeks at least.

For the rest of today. I suspect I am going to crash and burn hard at some point. I have had arse all sleep in 48 hours, and been running on adrenalin and anxiety for a lot of it. My CFS will demand payback with interest.

But that's ok. I can just sleep, and sleep, and sleep. Assuming I can sleep.