Nov 25

 Super rough today. Struggled to even be upright during the day, gave up, slept through the day.

My anxiety crawls upwards realising just how debilitated I am. I still need to do work, catch up with work, but everyday is a shitshow of feeling ill and "warming up", with a small window in the evening where more often than not I just hang out with a friend to keep myself sane.

This is difficult.

I am basically at a point where work is going out the window. Don't get me wrong. I am still very capable and can noodle with all sorts. But the old days of blasting through some impossible fucking project are long gone. And. I am not sure where that leaves me. Really I just want it to go away, to be able to function at a high level when I need it, and pretend I am not constantly ill.

Reality gets in the way of that.

I don't know.

I will spend this evening when I feel a bit better knuckling down with some major work output. But work can sometimes be that thorny shitty impossible leap in my job. The gap of expectation and just how much legwork is required to get there.

As ever. My attempted approach, shit as ever, is just to ignore the problem this time around, and do something about it next time around.

Real world stuff also gets in the way of this. Shitty companies with shitty policies. Setting up services with purposefully predatory billing practices, no way to set caps, well, you're just going to have to field this yourself out of pocket, for proof of concept purposes.

Sigh.

It's a combination of things. And I am poorly equipped these days to deal with the bullshit.

Nausea was bad yesterday. For most of the day. Today it seems.. a little better. I need to organise another GP appointment. 

Ho hum.

Feeling stressed and anxious today then. Which doesn't help me feeling well.

During a short period of wakefulness in the middle of the day, I staggered my way through making a slow cook curry. Clamped down on rising nausea and unwell. Got it going. And put it on slow cook for 6 hours whilst I went back to bed and slept. It's hard to describe just how difficult at times even throwing a few things in a pot is. But if I can. And stick it on slow cook. It's helpful.

Things are difficult.

I hope the nausea eventually fades. Assuming it is an ulcer then it's going to take somewhere around 2 months to heal up. Which historically feels about right. The nausea floats around for weeks when I get it. That I am "rawdogging" this without any meds is... bad. But. Eh. Meh. The NHS is hard to get hold of - and me having my car conk out on me just exacerbates the difficult to access healthcare to impossible to access healthcare.

I need to get this work out of the way. And then. I don't know. Really consider hard my work future and whether it's time for me to knock it on the head. I don't want to. Every month is another paycheque, is one less month I have to cope without an income. But. Reality.

Sigh.

Dying would be so much easier than this all round.

Ha.

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