Nov 9

 Took Hazel home yesterday, was an iffy prospect whether I would feel well enough to do so.

I pulled myself together enough in the evening and dropped her off home.

The last few days in general have been very bad. My feeling of being unwell now pierces well into the evening and beyond. Everything is shit. I don't eat, I feel bad. I eat I feel bad. I sleep I feel bad. I rest I feel bad. And I get slower and slower to pull myself out of slumber, out of a horrible malaise.

Today it threatened to be around the clock, all day. Permanently in a doze of unwellness. I struggled out of bed at somewhere in the evening. Bleary. Nauseous. Shaky. Ill. I determined to have a drink of something cool and sit on the computer for a while. Not what I felt like doing. But an act of stubbornness. Of trying to fight against feeling like shit.

As I sat on the computer, slowly I started to feel a little better.

But today has been awful.

As of yesterday my gout has returned. Getting worse. Same place. Same thing. I haven't eaten anything notably terrible.

I have pondered today whether this is the final nail in the coffin, where very soon I wont get out of bed anymore. I will drift into an ever poorer state of health dozing in bed.

Perhaps it's just one of those things. A bad phase. And I will improve. I hope so.

As ever. It's not so much the thought of dying. But the suffering is very shit. Kill or cure. But don't linger.

In any case.

I have cleared all my decks for Christmas. I am not going anywhere. I have turned down all offers. I have serious doubts I could manage any of them.

Peace.

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