Dec 13

 Really. Fucking. Ill.

I typically have a period of feeling a bit better in a given day. A calm. A relative normality. Maybe 2 hours. The period changes depending where I am sleeping and eating in that given day. Sometimes it's the period just before I sleep. Sometimes it's the period not long after I wake where I have slept for a very long time.

That small window of relative calm comes with a long list of caveats. Don't move. Don't exert. Don't do shit. And you will have that window. Fuck with it. At all. Do even the slightest of exertion. And you will find out, and slump into a shitty ill state.

Regardless. After that small window, the ill comes on. Nausea. Exhaustion. Mood bounces. All the rest of it.

At the moment. I am feeling more ill than ever. I don't see how this continues really. But eh well. I have to remind myself it doesn't matter. You aren't enjoying yourself anyway. What does it matter if you just end up carking it. But like my friend says. What happens if you don't cark it. Then you're just suffering.

Eh. Meh.

I felt terrible yesterday. At one point I started to get a panic attack at just how ill I was feeling. Oh boy. Vicious circle. One thing feeds the other, which then feeds the other and, blah. I calmed myself down. But. Not good. And of course. Miserable as all fuck. It is not fun feeling so ill and panicking about it.

I waxed and waned throughout the day, my high spot was background viral like ill. Worst spot is curled in a ball in bed dozing in something like fever dreams.

So. Through all of that. The idea that I had made a mistake with Hazel crystalised harder. I understand the reservations people have. Another of my friends went off about not helping her. Don't do it. I get it. But. Yeah. So I decided to check in with her and reassure her that we would sort the money out someway, lets just get you the help you need.

She had pre-empted me. In the 24 or so hours she had actually brought it up with her boyfriend, he had had a big pay rise ( or rather Hazel found that out ), money would be ok, albeit the timing may be shonky with pay days and the like, and it would be good in that case, if that was an issue, that I could bridge the gap.

This outcome is a good thing. I think my question about her finances with her boyfriend gave her the stimulus to actually talk to him about it, and I feel like their relationship has taken a half step more along the adult scale for it. It is, I think, good for both of them. And a bit of a normalisation away from me being her financial support to her boyfriend behind her financial support.

That being said. By the time I then sent my reassurance anyway - it's fine, I can bridge a gap, or whatever you need, don't fret about the money - I was absolutely adamant that I had kind of made a mistake here. I should have just offered to help. No fucking about. No arsing around weighing up the odds. I felt pretty clear that I had fucked up in a minor way, this wasn't me, I should have helped better.

This is good, in the end. I have clarity. Absolute clarity. This is who I am. You help. I understand the criticisms, the possibilities, that I may even get taken advantage of. It doesn't matter. Which isn't to say I am going to skip around giving money away to all and sundry. I am not stupid. Or oblivious. But I am also fundamentally someone keyed to help.

Another way to look at it, when I reviewed my actions. I had nearly refused to help someone, that clearly needed help. Genuinely. That. Is entirely my bad.

Hilariously. What would Jesus do ? Some of those core teachings are about helping no matter what. Don't be a dick. Just help. Don't judge. Don't stop to tally up all the flaws. Just. Help. I find there is a little reassurance in there, that, I am not alone in my thinking. There is already a theological version right there ( albeit one that has become corrupt and twisted in the proceeding millennia to something horribly cruel and divisive, but, the core bits, take away all the human corruption and evangelical materialism, still holds a decent truth I think, basically, Be Kind )

I spoke briefly to my friend saying I felt I had made a mistake. Uncharitable. Bad description. But something like that. He disagreed. Said I had been clear about where I stood, and the gentle nudge to Hazel to talk to her boyfriend about it all had worked, and things had worked out. Not a failure. Exactly what you were aiming for.

I understand what he means. But it's not. I can feel it. It was a mistake. It worked out this time. And I was in the end always going to help her. But it was a mistake. I need to be careful of just slumping into an asshole pit. I know from some perspectives that may sound stupid. I am not an asshole yada blah. Perhaps my thresholds are different. I feel I should have done better. I have corrected it in any case.

Ultimately, of course, I am not perfect. Not even close. Not even visible on the horizon. Hilariously imperfect. A bunch of clapped out, jumbled broken, fucked up bits nailed together, bumbling along the road. I do my best. To be human is I think, to be a bit of a disaster at many things. With perhaps some highlights of achievement woven in there. Heh.

Anyway. 

I ended up giving Hazel a lift to the doggo hydro therapy session yesterday. The girl is just getting on with it. She didn't ask. But I offered her a lift. I found out she had a 2 hour trip each way by bus to get to the therapy session. Because buses. She was just going to raw dog it. In hindsight, taking her to the place, I am not sure how she could have managed. Cold. Raining. 2 hours there. 2 hours back. Have to wait outside in the rain. Yikes. She is under tremendous pressure at the moment. I poked a little. Said she was doing very well coping with it. She admitted to having had to take an emergency benzo. To stop a panic spiral. I commented that it didn't surprise me. She is dealing with a lot.

We got to the place and I came in for the session, gave my thoughts and observations about how Poppy had been to the therapist after Hazel had had her say. I thought there were some points that were worth mentioning. I then watched them go through the pool session. It was good. The therapist did a good job. Poppy definitely got something out of it. And all round I thought it was a good thing. I can see that it's helpful. I can also see she's going to need lots of these sessions. Possibly. Forever more. She had lost a lot condition in the last couple of months. Dogs lose their condition so quickly when they don't get to be free and running and chasing all over. It is, in my experience, the end dance tight rope walk, of not having them burn out or injure themselves overdoing it, versus keeping some notion of fitness going, all the while the target is ever moving, ever declining, until, eventually, it becomes impossible one way or the other. Managed decline. Not easy. Or rather. Not easy to get perfectly right. Easy to ignore and just fuck it up one way or the other ( dogs by and large, do not complain ).

Hazel offered to buy late lunch on the way back. I refused. Green. Nauseous. Not a burger ? I half gagged. Absolutely not. A subway ? My stomach shifted. No. You're not eating she said ? I grimaced. In the end we stopped to get something for her. But I declined. I was relieved I didnt have to eat. That's how bad it gets.

Took her all the way home, she made me promise to tell her if I was really bad. And she would come help. I grimaced. You have enough to deal with I said. Doesn't matter she said. You know I work better under pressure anyway. I mean it she said. Tell me if you're bad.

Ok.

And there.

Is one of the very tip top positive bits about Hazel. She gets it. All of it. And she will help. She will put down tools. Pause her life. And come help.

Which nobody else does.

So for all the flaws and complexities and difficulties. She has some very good qualities too.

And I think, a lesson about everyone, about us all. We are all this way, shot through with good, bad, easy, difficult. Of course there are scales. Some people have more issues. Some have less. But none of us escape this marbling of positives and negatives. To be human is to be imperfect. There are no unadulterated perfect heroes. Likewise there are no entirely irredeemable villains. And those extremes are so rare. In the normal course of affairs, we are all made up of difficult bits and helpful bits. We have good days, bad days. We can be charitable and uncharitable. Kind and callous. For me. It absolutely pays to understand this. In a fundamental way. This is what you get with a human. And then. To not hold a grudge about it. Don't take in that poison and grumble and curse and let it eat you alive. The buddhists are so right about this. That the holding onto of grudges and discontent and hatred is not about the other. It doesn't do anything to the other ! They in all likelihood get to go on with their lives oblivious of the seething fury that sits in your heart about them. But it absolutely does something to you. Stress. Anger. Spirals of mood, frustration, violence. It poisons the bearers soul.

It is possible. And understandable. That you can bounce through life. Meeting a series of flawed people. Relationships with nothing but flawed people. And list all the ways they failed. All their flaws. How they should be better. If only they did X. Weak. Idiotic. Venal. And the world is simply shades of disappointment and anger. The end result. The actual mechanic at work there. Is that the individual becomes poisoned. The world around them doesn't change. The people don't change. Nothing about the universe at large changes. But the person. Becomes more cynical. Darker. Poisoned. Uncharitable. Locked in a spiral of hatred and frustration.

It isn't that this is wrong. There is, objectively, a truth in that. Here are all the issues. It sucks. Yeah.

But the objective is no help here.

Objectively understanding that everything is shit, and gnawing on the objective truth doesn't do anything. Except give you shit poisoning.

So. Don't do that.

Accept that the human condition is as it is. Also. Empathise. Spot the same things in yourself. This is very important. That you are not some perfect ideal floating above everyone elses flaws. You are also made of the same stuff. You also have flaws. Whether you are aware of them or not. And in many cases. You will not. Flaws are in all of us. Forgive others. Have yourself forgiven. It's ok to fuck up. We all fuck up.

None of this is to say about ignoring flaws. Pretending they don't exist and all is peace and light. Not at all. Acknowledgement and acceptance doesn't mean avoidance.

In the end it comes down to this.

There is a choice we all get to make.

Incoming data and information. This is a thing.

We then get to make a choice about how to process that. We can be enraged. And let it rip us up. Or we can accept it. Acknowledge it. Understand. But don't let it damage us.

That's a very hard lesson.

To be able to accept something without having to react to it in a certain way. Without having to meltdown.

In a computer parallel.

Accept an incoming file.

What you then do with it - copy it over and over overwriting all other files you have with its message, obliterating and damaging all in its path. Or simply file it. Read it. Leave it stored.

It is, the slow learning realisation I have had with emotion. Dealing with enormous levels of grief, loss, sadness.

It's there. It's huge. Enough to destroy me and my world if I let it. The crucial bit. Is pacing yourself. Don't ignore it. Don't pretend it's not there. But also. Don't try to consume it all in one sitting. Don't just kick open the door, let it rage through your world, sweeping you and everything in it away. Manage it. Pace yourself. Bit by bit. There is no rule that says you have to always rawdog everything to its maximal degree right then, right here. Things take time. Learning things takes time. Adapting to things takes time. And the massive things in my life at the moment of grief, loss, chronic health issues. I am having to adapt to.

Am I doing a good job ?

Ha ha.

No.

I am trying. At least. When my head is above water.

Anywho.

The point is not about perfecting this path. About being the perfect never goes wrong follower. Because. Human. Flawed. Perfection is not something you can attain. But it's knowing that it's there. Trying to follow that. Understanding that many things we do are self destructive, holding onto hate, or frustration with others. The challenge is of course we all get frustrated and pissed off. But it doesn't do us much good. Just like getting stressed in an office environment, adrenaline is dumped for a fight or flight response, and in reality, it's just you, sitting at an office desk, now trying to manage an endocrine system that was designed to evade predators on the savannah, and not dealing with the struggle of getting an excel report out on time.

We are imperfectly designed biologically for the world we find ourselves in. Not all our instincts or mechanisms work to our benefit.

Understand it. Try to mitigate the ones that aren't helping.

And a big one of those.

Is that endless criticism of everyone else, the frustration, anger, resentment. Let it go.

It doesn't mean you have to tolerate those things. You can make a choice about who or what you let into your life. But make sure. You don't let those things destroy you from the inside.