Dec 19

 Busy day today. Pushing my luck.

Today I went and picked up a scrip for Poppy from my vets, then immediately went to meet a friend, and then right after that, took Hazel and Poppy for their hydrotherapy. All day out. 6 hours or so. A lot. 

A touch of nausea again this morning. I had a little late last night. It stayed with me in the morning and I felt rough. Took time to slowly wake up and warm up. And by the time I headed out I wasn't well, but, it was doable.

I can't say I was looking forwards to visiting my local vets. As lovely as they are. As wonderful as the service they provided was. It is haunted by both Ares and Athena. Both of them took their last breaths there. No matter how well I cope, or how I frame it, those shadows draw long at the vets. I understand that I am broken. And that it is, to some extent, or a greater extent, or something, my fault that I cannot shake it, or live with it. A failure to be a functioning adult. So all I see in those places are shadows. Like depression. The colour fades. Any joy or positive vibes or love is extinguished, there is only sadness, and loss and a keen sense that everything dies. Everything fades.

Nevertheless. I did it. And moved on. That's what you do.

But it did not make me happy. At all.

After that I went to see my friend. Not seen him in what must be a year. He also suffers from CFS. It's always useful talking to him. We can relate about how exhaustion derails our lives. He is a bit better off than me, but not a huge amount. It impacts how much he can work. What he can do. He's a smart guy, a counsellor. We talk about games. And philosophy. And illness. And the nature of continually grappling with the limitations that the exhaustion puts upon you. The constant mental battle of coming to terms with it. It makes me feel less alone.

Rushing off from there I took Poppy for her next hydro therapy. She had done well since the last visit. But this visit. Half way through. She let out a long scream of pain. Very not good. Her limp suddenly much worse. It was a setback. And a worry. And one I am really badly geared for these days. I see in Poppy the descent of both Ares and Athena. I know where this path leads. I know that steady deterioration and the sudden drop right at the end out of nowhere. I see the same heavy weight of time in Poppy. And a terrible awful sadness sits in me about it. I keep my head. But watching Poppy. The therapy sessions. Is hard for me. It brings everything to the surface. Of loss. And time. I feel that horrible gut punch just around the corner. All I see is darkness and pain. I cannot help it.

Hazel has taken to using a wrap around "bathrobe" for Poppy after getting wet. Keeps her warm and dry. It is the one I bought for Ares when he started to lose his coat. It is one that both Ares and Athena wore when they become more fragile. It is a minor thing. But it echoes. It has ghosts.

I took them both Poppy and Hazel home. Hazel has decided to get an x ray done after all. At this point I think it's essential. Maybe something can be done for Poppy.

I was horribly sad on the way home. I shut my mouth. I didn't give voice to it. Or let it out. Poppy wanted to say goodbye to me when she got out of the car - she had at the therapy ended up retreating behind me, away from Hazel, away from the therapist, hiding behind me. Safe. I opened my car door and gave her scritches and said goodbye, and to have a rest, a snooze, and I was sorry she was hurting and that if I could fix it I would.

I left them.

Just me and the darkness in a car.

Horribly sad.

As I turned out of Hazels road I said out loud to the car that I did not like this game. I did not like playing. It was cruel and horrible and I didn't want to play anymore.

I got home exhausted and sad.

Today was a day.

At my best. I can keep some of the darkness at bay. I can't keep more than some of it at bay anymore. Part of it always pervades me now. At my worst I can't fight it off. All I see is pain and misery and grief and loss. Sadness. And the inexorable march of time that seems to be slowly eroding everything that is even half good or loved, and replacing it with nothing, or vice, or greed. The world to me is dying a slow death. Both at a macro public scale. And the micro private one.

I am lost.

I can put a mask on it at times.

Does this ever fix ?

Is this me forever at this point ?

I don't know.

It feels like this is forever.

But what do I know.

Sad day.