Dec 23

 Today the knife was driven deep.

I woke up feeling very rough. Eyes red and bloodshot. The deepest bruises ever around my eyes, even, oddly, this time up into my forehead. A bruised crease line in my forehead. Deep ugly marks around my eye sockets, wrapping around my the side of my head, blotchy shadows.

More than ever this morning had you looked at me, you could visibly see how much of a kicking I am taking.

An old friend was due to visit today.

I felt like shit. Leaden. Nothing functioning. Both my arms buzzing with pins and needles.

I had said to my friend I would make a high effort to be available. Because fuck it.

So I slumped for four hours. Nursing a cup of tea. Trying, slowly, to pull myself together.

20 minutes before he arrived, checking he was still due, I struggled up, did some washing up and made lunch.

I took it easy. Nursed what little energy I had.

My friend turned up, we spent most of the afternoon together. It was good. Good to catch up. And I took my recently printed card game out for a run. And it was fun. I remembered why I liked this game. I remembered the fun I used to have playing with my friend from games. I told my old friend he would have liked him. Oddly enough they share the same name.

Early evening my friend left, I think that was plenty, I felt better as he left. Slowly righting myself.

Tomorrow is the GP bright and early. No clue what my approach will be. 

Hazel contacted me today, Poppy has got worse. That problem in the doggy pool seems to have really done an injury. Who knows what. She went to my vets today - she was after a lift, but I was tied up with my friend. My vets are so good. Hands down. They have moved up an x ray for her. And refused to charge her today for anything but the bare meds. The vets have guessed that it might be a badly pulled ligament. Which makes sense, and echoes what the hydro therapist said. But. It doesn't fit with how long the injury has been a problem for Poppy. It should have made progress in the time she's had it. It hasn't. It has got slowly worse. I do wonder if there isn't some bone damage going on there, or something amiss with the joint itself. I am pretty sure it's not arthritis. She has some arthritis, of that I'm sure. It's just not that, that is causing these issues. I would put money on it.

We shall see what happens. For the moment she has been put on stronger meds to help with the pain.

Hazel is doing a great job with it. Coping with it. And stepping up to the plate to look after Poppy. I think her boyfriend also stepping up to help financially has also helped and taken one worry off of Hazel's shoulders. Caring for a seriously ailing pet is tough, you can't ask them what's wrong, you have to guess what the right thing to do is, and of course, all their trust is in you.

Had xmas dinner offer re-iterated today. I have grudgingly declined. I am pretty sure driving at length for Xmas would not be good in my shitty state. If I felt better. If I was better. I'd take it. No doubt.

It's ok. I am as of today at peace with it. It is currently my path to suffer and struggle, I don't mean that in a miserable way. Just. A matter of fact. It's ok. That's what it is. I will do my best with it. People die in ditches in wars. Drown in seas escaping terror. Are wiped out by callous bombs. Drunken drivers. Shit happens. I am, in the scale of things, just one very minor thing in the whole tapestry. I know that comparison of suffering is moronic. That others have it worse or better is no argument at all. Still. There is a stoic quality there. It does not justify it. But to understand the scale of it is a thing. Then again. Suffering is personal. Subjective. Each persons own hell. Anyway. I am ok with it today. I shall for the moment, endure.

So today I am brave and zen. Ask me again in 24 hours.