Jan 10

 Yesterday was not good. In the scale of things I've had worse. But yesterday was a day of feeling ill all day. A persistent mini migraine, exhaustion, nausea. Everything chiming in. Quite possibly the come down from a particularly bad migraine the day before - the headache and mini migraine was definitely post bad juju migraine territory where it can take anything from 24 to 72 hours to heal - you end up with some kind of headache or "woozy bruise" for that period of time after the migraine has done its worst.

The nausea is probably a twofold thing. One. My stomach being extremely dicey at the moment and only barely recovered from the 2 month long constant nausea thing. And two. The migraine tickling the vomit response and a high dose of aspirin causing stomach issues, resulting in a massive step back nausea stomach wise.

The exhaustion and general feelings of ill.. well.. thats just the "CFS". Although. I am beginning to see a strong correlation between that and the nausea. I think the nausea absolutely kicks the stuffing out of me in some very interesting directly physical ways. I am starting to wonder if that isn't at the root of a lot of my issues here.

Anyway.

Yesterday was bad.

I tried just resting through it, but it didn't help much. Ant acid was useful as long as it lasted. I ended up having a pretty miserable frustrating day where sleep was the only relief. My days are wasted. In endless recuperation that never really recuperates me, but doing anything else is just asking for more pain.

I forced myself out in the late afternoon. You can highly debate the wisdom of that. Highly. Debatable. Foolish even. But I went out. Because I was sick of being sick. And doing fuck all. So I went out in queasy unwell state. You can literally hear the CFS specialists sigh at that and shake their heads. I went out to pick up a few plastic tray tidies - the things you stick beads and crafty bits in - and also on realising the front porch light was out, a bulb. Because. ADHD monkey see monkey do. Exit door. Bulb out. Need screwdriver. Replace bulb in dark. Need bulb. Bzzt. As it turned out after doing all the shopping chores and contemplating the car should be given more of a run, I decided, in another not great turn of wisdom, to go get some "fish and chips" from the local chippy. I thought maybe contrary to wisdom, a dose of potatoes might settle my stomach down. Albeit fatty. Also it would cheer Hazel up. Food is almost always guaranteed to cheer her up.

The chips did indeed settle my stomach. Not exactly something you're likely to see on a healthy eating wellness missive. But they did. Bite me.

So I felt a bit better in the evening, albeit exhausted.

Today is a bit like a shallower version of yesterday. A rinse and repeat at a lesser strength. Nausea. Exhaustion. A feeling of unwellness. But not quite as bad as yesterday.

Annoying. Frustrating.

Today with a little typically "pushy" help from Hazel, I have figured out that black tea on an empty stomach turns out to be not good for upset stomachs. Too much tanin. In fact the usual suspects of hot drinks, teas, coffees, all turn out to be not great. Uh huh. I didn't know that. But there was a background suspicion there because there have been a few data points where my first solo cup of tea has ended up making me feel more queasy. I had a background suspicion that perhaps it was the heat of the liquid. But on proper investigation it might in fact be the tanins. This also had lurked in the background reaches of my head as I idly pondered whether my insides looked like a bit of tanned leather because of all the tanins in tea and that would possibly not be ideal under certain circumstances and maybe I should drink less tea. The thought had not got further than background ponder however.

So. New regime. Don't have black tea on an empty stomach ( or coffee either ). Do not over steep the tea ( something I am very guilty of ). Eat something small. And something stomach neutral. Better yet, switch away from black tea entirely. I do like nursing a warm cup of something, but I've never been big on pure herbal teas. But eh, meh, I guess I need to do a little experimentation and testing around to see if I can switch away from high tanin stuff. Green tea is better apparently. And whilst I do drink it. It's not something I would drink on a regular basis. I dunno. Need to find something warm, and nice, that isn't full of sugar. Perhaps it will help. Can't hurt to give it a go. And I suspect from my previous data points that I hadn't yet joined up into anything, that it will indeed help a little.

In any case.

If my nausea continues for some more days and doesn't look like it's shifting, I will book another GP appointment and go back with nausea. Again. The doc did say, after all, if it comes back at all, come back to them. So. I will give it a few days and see how it does.

Talked a little more with Hazel about Poppy. She noted that she was coping with at at the moment, but, there were moments when she wasn't. That she was in that high strain coping mentality. Uh huh. Well. That makes sense. I told her I was sorry again. And that I didn't know what to do, there was nothing I could do. She agreed there was nothing to be done. I always feel somewhat helpless in those situations. Pain. Suffering. There is nothing I can do against it. I dislike being helpless against things. I understand it is part of life. I don't have to be ok with it though. I can not like that aspect of life. And that's ok I think. I just have to tow the line and not let it get out of hand and drive me crazy. Don't be happy about it. But don't let it drive you insane at not being able to solve something.

Not being able to solve things is somewhat of a vulnerability in me. It doesn't sit well with me. I have learned, am continually learning, to do better with that. But there are still situations where it incites a high level of frustration which may then even lead to annoyance and anger. Particularly if it comes in the form of a someone who is being lazy or obstructive. I am not super zen with wilful incompetence. I guess that's normal. Still. If you were a high level zen cow, you would understand this is part of being human, and let it go. Which sometimes I can do. And sometimes I just seethe at someone being a twat. I lose my buddhist badge of zen for that one. I am in so many ways very far from perfect.

I will take it easy today. Again. As ever. Rest. Hope the nausea passes. I start to feel better. I find I am not dreading work next week. There are parts of me actually looking forward to some of it. So. That's a good thing. I am struggling again with my sleep schedule, and whilst in many ways it would be better not to worry about that, let it do its thing, rest, recuperate, the need to attend work at some semblance of normal hours forces me not to just let it off the hook and try to pin it down to some waking world normality.

Anxiety has stepped down a notch. Slowly slipping away and dying down. It is a relief. The manic mad thought spirals have come down a notch. Sanity begins to increase. So. That's better too.

Last night I spent some time playing games with a friend. Mostly it's just busy work to keep the fingers busy whilst we talk about stuff. I played my therapist part last night. Let him talk. Listened to all his thoughts and problems and things he was working through. Difficult never declared relationships. Dealing with people. Frustrations. Mental health. I listened. And let him talk. Interacted gently. A few observations. But gentle. Sometimes just open questions to ponder later.

Something came up, quite harsh. A reaction to rejection. Of sorts. That someone wasn't family. Wasn't anything to do with them. Not my problem.

Uh huh.

But this was the recoil from a relationship that was to do with them, that did matter. The aftermath positioning of it as, don't care, won't care, not my business is a classic defensive rationalisation of something that very much was cared about.

I said. As adults. We get to choose our family.

I had to explain the point a bit. But basically. As adults. You have a choice about who your "family" are, and it's not about blood relatives, it's about who your people are. Indeed from one point of view, if you end up with your own family, you pick a random person from the world, end up having kids with them and that is your new family. All of that is very much a choice. But beyond that explicit old school definition, we can all pick who our "family" are. Those who are maybe close to us. And arguably. More your "real" family than your actual family. One is given to you. The other you get a choice about. Which is not to belittle traditional families at all, but just to say, don't make assumptions about the importance of one versus another.

So. In his case. Even though he did not fully acknowledge it. And now is recoiling from it. He made his choice of who his family was. And went through tough times with them. His people. Good or bad. The choice was made. The latter rejection of it - that was something that was never openly acknowledged - is just a reflection of the sadness and loss of losing it in the end.

But most of that is too high art. Too much understanding. People often live in the moment at a much lower level without seeing all those dots that are connected. Just lost in the emotion of it.

The concept of choosing family has always been about. I can remember hearing about it when I was young and not really understanding what was meant by it, beyond some intellectual, oh sure, I can understand mechanically what you mean, but not really understanding the emotional human reality behind it ( because I had no context ).

After going through as much life as I have I now absolutely understand what that means, and in my case, is extremely relevant to who I am and what I do. I have ended up choosing a family. That is. Push comes to shove. Sadly. And this is not a good thing. Above and beyond my blood relative family. Perhaps this is always the way it is. You end up finding "your tribe". Your people. The people you care about. And as can so often be the case, it ends up you have less in common with your actual blood relatives than the people you find. Personally, I still find this to be a sad thing. Perhaps however that's just some romantic ideal I've been told should be the case with family. And the actuality doesn't match that. 

I think different families have different ties. Some are distant. Some are close. I believe that those that are close are better for it. Much better. And those that are distant lose a lot. But I don't know. Perhaps it is just the way it is. And perhaps that's me being in a distant family pining for a close one on some unrealistic ideal that it would be better that way. A greener grass. Perhaps. I don't think so though. Close families are if nothing else, more supportive. Which matters.

Nevertheless.

You absolutely do choose your family as an adult.

It's something beyond just who your spouse may or may not be. It's more than that. The old school pigeon holes of relationships do not I think encapsulate the entire human experience.

These days we have terms for some of these "newer models". Support networks. Whats your support network like. But again. It's much more than that. Because some of our connections are not about what support you get out of someone. It's complicated. Based on shared experiences. Or closeness. Or like mindedness. Or shared trauma. Shared delight. Shared life. Whatever. Some or all of the above.

Call it what you like. It comes down to much the same thing. And for the bits that matter, the easy way to frame it, is as the family you choose. Finding your people.

All of that stuff is, I think, oddly beyond my friend, despite him being fairly clued up at a professional part of his job way about shrinkology. Another truth there though. That you can have all manner of insight and skills with psych when it comes to others, and be horribly blind when it comes to yourself. Very common. Our powers of self observation are frequently crap compared to our powers of observation of others it would seem. Hence lies also the root of lack of empathy I think. Easy to brand others an idiot and yourself a hero when you are aware of their flaws but blind to your own.

Being human is a rough journey. Our brains are a janky piece of random crap. Very useful. Also full of problems. Like an old banger of a car. It can probably get you to your destination. But it's going to take curses. And false starts. And repair bills. And popping the hood. And a new exhaust. And blah. Terrible design !