Jan 14

 Work today.

Stomach has been nauseous and "weird" all day. At this point I can't tell if it's outright nausea or just a persistent anxiety cramp from the situation with Poppy.

It's shit for Poppy. Shit for Hazel.

But speaking personally. This is very hard for me. I am still very much dealing with the fallout of losing Athena, Ares, no dogs. The post dog gloom that has settled on me, the absolute hopelessness of the world et al. And then. I have a repeat performance to deal with. I am not trying to be selfish here, or make it all about me. It's not. But it is very hard. The worst thing for me to deal with right now. If you wanted to torture me, you'd be doing a pretty good job of it with the things that life is finding to throw across my path.

Anyway.

Today I have pushed out some work. Been somewhat productive. There were times when it felt like too much. The task I was doing also had some stress attached to it. Important. Critical. Fuck it up and it goes bang for a lot of people. And it was in an unstable state I had to sort out. On top of all my other shit going on. This was hard to deal with. But I got it done.

I said to Hazel this morning that I thought the next step should be talk to the local vet. Have a face to face with them where they can talk to you in a better way. Explain things. Go through what the short term future looks like. Get a second opinion from them. 

So Hazel has done that today over phone for the moment. The second opinion was the same. Grim. No options. We are due to go see the vet tomorrow in person. Hazel has said I don't need to go. Don't need to go in. But I will. We shall see what the vet has to say about end of life care.

Poppys pain does seem to have got worse lately. More pronounced limping. Ho hum.

Hazel was not sure if tomorrow would be Poppys last day.

Absolutely brutal.

Her decision. I found myself thinking about arguments as to why to delay it. This that the other. And realised that wasn't helpful. It would just make Hazels task even harder. I shut my mouth and said nothing and reset my brain from being unhelpful. Support her.

She pushed me for an opinion.

I couched it in so many ifs and buts. Take my opinion with a massive pinch of salt. I am not as well aware as Hazel how Poppy is doing moment to moment. There is no right choice. I don't want to make your decision harder. I don't want to undermine you. I know how hard it is.

She understood. She just wanted my opinion. I am asking. Because I want your opinion.

So I said I didn't think it was time yet. See how Poppy did. And. I think you would know when it was time. But it's not quite yet. But. What do I know.

She said her boyfriend had said much the same. Not time yet.

This is that awful moment. When all the responsibility becomes yours. You can't ask them. There is no right answer. You have to make that call for their benefit. And then likely live with the guilt no matter how "right" that choice was. Unless you are made of stern stuff and can move on.

My stomach is in a knot. I can well do without the stress and trauma. But this is what life is. And I need to be there and stand up. And do the thing. No matter the cost.

Life is shit.

I truly wish I had never been born into it at all.

Not my choice. Here we are.

I had a nap in the afternoon. The anxiety and everything got too much. I had reached a good point in my work to stop, one task complete, another to pick up. So I napped. And escaped reality in sleep. I dreamed of an old friend I haven't spoken to in years. We talked of his daughter coming of age. In reality she died at 21 of leukemia. But in the dream she was alive and about to be an adult. Athena was running around in the background. My friend stopped talking to me. Not responding. Fallen asleep. He ended up with some brain damage in reality - a virus if I remember correctly. A former professor of neurology. The dream seemed to remember he had issues with memory and sleep.

And then I woke up. From a not great dream. Into a worse reality. Pains and fog.

Purgatory.