Jan 27

 My default state is now lower than it has been. Everyday is a malaise of unwell. Which often improves after many hours of waking. But even then. It's not good.

It seems pretty clear that the screw has turned another level. The nausea has settled into an everyday background thing, that isn't as bad as it has been, but is a permanent queasy which rides up and down, but also, typically, gets better as an evening wears on. The nausea is also directly related to levels of wellness and energy, when the nausea is in effect it pushes everything much much lower.

It is, what it is.

At this point I am resigned to it. I am not hoping to get better. I am not seeking a solution. I am just waiting for it to finish me off, and that will be a relief. That's it. Don't get me wrong, if someone one day says, hey, here's a solution, I am not going to turn it down. But that's not going to happen.

All of which is pretty miserable.

I am on max mental meds. Just to level everything out a bit. It doesn't seem to help the sad. At times I am overwhelmed with sad. But I deal with it. And get over it. And move on. Rinse and repeat.

My life is 99% lived out of bed now. I am asleep. Or in bed. Sometimes I get up to play some games on the computer - which are currently doing a fair job of keeping me distracted and talkative. I go to the kitchen and bathroom briefly. And that's it. I have no energy to do anything else.

The other day, not feeling very well, as ever, I needed to eat something. I had had a fleeting idea some days earlier to make a pasta dish. So. I struggled to do that. Just a half dozen ingredients in a ninja that doesn't need to pot watched. Grating some cheese nearly killed me. Shaky. Weak. Ill. I felt awful. Hazel looked on. Stop that, I'll do that she said. Nearly done I said. You are being a martyr needlessly she said. I didn't reply. I finished. And slumped into bed.

This is my reality.

The CFS is worse. Everything is worse. The gout is better. But I am on a high dose of gout meds. And still, as ever, eating very sensibly gout wise.

My weight is slowly shedding. Even though I am almost entirely inactive. It's coming down.

Work tomorrow. Feels like a mountain to climb again. But I have a few half interesting things to do. I am very doubtful about how long I can keep on working.

Other things.

Poppy seems stable ish at the moment. Some days better. Some days worse. Always a limp. And if she pushes it, she gets a bad pain reaction, despite being on all the pain meds. In the circumstances she's doing ok. She is pretty happy. Tail still wags. Still interested in food. And what you're doing. Still dog. So for the moment. Manageable. Each moment is a gift. Been here. Done that. She's getting lots of love and cuddles.

Hazel is doing ok. She seems to be in a much sweeter mood still. Which I am thankful for. I don't know. Perhaps she has realised something about herself and her moods. Be kind. Two words to live by. Try to be kind if you can. A more realistic everyday version.

I am more than done with life. I have nothing left to live for. And everyday is a suffering.