Jan 31

 Seem to have settled into a pattern of almost always being at such an ill point that just about everything is impossible, with a lot of effort can do small things, like making something to eat. Often it eases up somewhat during the evening where I can actually make something to eat, a cup of tea etc. Sometimes it does not. And on those days I largely just spend the entire 24 hours in a haze of unwell. Lying down and being in bed helps the most.

I am going through periods of intense sleepiness, and then periods where I can't sleep. Hap hazard. My hours are a mess.

Everyday is some form of nausea. Not as bad as it was. Bad enough that it eliminates any want for food, destroys concentration, and just sitting in place increasingly makes you feel ill. Distraction helps. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes very little. Variable.

All in all miserable. Just waiting for it to get worse really.

Apnea has been worse last few days. Properly kicking in in places. Leaving me feeling woozy.

Hazels better mood has given away to a low grade snarl again. Everything is wrong, or someone elses fault, and she spends most of her energies telling you you're wrong, or low grade bullying, do this, do that, don't do that, you're an idiot etc. There is no oxygen in the room for anyone else or anything else than Hazel at such times. It is exhausting to be around for any length of time, and very difficult to absorb without reaction. This is absolutely part of who she is. Call it a coping mechanism. Call it what she has become accustomed to. A non corrected behaviour. Whatever. It makes her a low level unpleasant to be around. It does remind me in many ways of my mom when she was bad.

Today I pulled myself out of bed and dragged myself out feeling unwell to complete a bunch of chores for Hazel. Pick up her meds. Collect stuff from her flat. Take Poppy for a walk and finally collect meds from the vets for Poppy.

Given her mood, by the end of the journey I was very glad to be home and be able to escape her presence. Everything I said was wrong or my fault. She forgot the poop bags for Poppy. I went back to check the car to see if there were some in there, Hazel was convinced there were some. None in the car. Next best solution I grabbed a bunch of napkins. Hazel was annoyed. She wasn't picking up poop with napkins. The bags were in the middle of the car. Annoyed at me. Checking later, there were no poop bags. But somehow all of that becomes a reason to kick me. Whilst Hazel is well aware that people should not take things out on others, and is critical of others for that, she does that herself in spades. All the time. By default. She doesn't get angry with herself. She just transfers it to someone else and blames them. Thinking about it, this is how she deals with everything - everything in her life is someone elses fault. Never hers.

At a crossing, a bunch of people crossed that I had very early let them go. A dude walked across held up his hand to thank me. You're welcome I said. Thank you for saying thank you. This was a problem again. My fault. He didn't have to say thank you. It was his right to cross. I said it was nice of him to do it, a nice gesture. It was his right. Didn't have to say thank you. I'm in the wrong. I said it was just good manners. And thanking people was a nice thing to do, whether you had to do it or not. But. I was wrong. Again.

We passed a baby boxer on the way back from the vets. Young. Not yet put on its muscle weight. He was gorgeous. I passed slowly and said I was thinking about stopping the car and asking the owner if I could say hello. Of course. This was wrong of me. Hazel told me off. I can't do that. It's a woman. I would be threatening. You can't do that.

I sighed heavily.

She continued berating me.

At this point, I just wanted to get out of the car and leave her and her continual fucking bullying and bad attitude behind.

It's just a continue buzz of bullying awful behaviour. And if you dare react and say, fuck you, she will go apocalyptic. The rage monster will come out and every worst hurtful thing she can do and say will be brought forth.

I don't know how her boyfriend puts up with her to be honest. He is very passive and easily bullied. Which appeals to Hazel. She gets to lecture forth on his failings in life, whilst only getting sympathy for hers. I think she needs someone she can constantly kick, like a punchbag, someone to take her frustrations out on. I do wonder if long term whether he will become sick of it if and when they actually live together.

Symptoms of a borderline personality.

Very difficult to deal with.

Her dads words echo. You're just an asshole of a person. And he loves her to bits.

Eh. Meh. Yeah. Kinda true.

Sigh.

The worst bit is that she either doesnt realise or doesnt want to realise just how much of an asshole she can be. At the slightest drop of a hat. Even on a "low level asshole day" it's a constant fucking grind.

I think I will stay well out of her orbit for a while, different ends of the house.

And of course.

All that behaviour.

And at the vets.

Can I have your wallet.

Sure.

Irony.

Treat people like shit.

Hold your hand out for money.

Amazing.

I have done the right thing. Am doing the right thing. I cannot change other peoples behaviour or attitude. For myself. I know I have done my best for both Hazel and Poppy. I am not about to kick Poppy out if her best bet is to stay with me.

But I am pretty done again with Hazel. I am not interested in being her punchbag. Or having to put up with her continual oxygen stealing arrogance. All the while paying all her bills, food, energy, everything. Everything. She takes. Whilst also kicking. Because why not.

Sigh.

Curiously enough after coming home, found this in my feed :