Jan 4

 I think maybe... my nausea has finally gone. Today has been nausea free again. And I am not feeling horribly ill around my stomach. So the week before the GP, 2 months after having the issue non stop, it heals. For the moment. Why bother with the GP at all ?

The shit situation with all of this is that it could still be a serious complication going on that is waxing and waning, and that in any case, lets assume it was just a Plain Old Nasty Peptic Ulcer, by rights these should be taken seriously, monitored and treated. Not doing so runs the risk of a) it being something nastier b) it turning into something nastier c) taking longer to heal than it otherwise should. Steve Wright the famed radio 2 DJ last year died because of a ruptured stomach ulcer. Something that should have been easily caught, easily treated, but was neither, and he ended up dead long before he should have died. Yet another one of those "Excess morbidities" or whatever the nuspeak fucking term the NHS uses for their complacent cockups. 

The "service" is run on such a shit footing that you are continually rolling the dice on things that should be straight forward turning into fatal problems. Yes, you can avoid doing a lot of work from the NHS side of things ( of course, if you don't bother actually doing your job, surprise, you have less work to do ! ). You also guarantee you will raise the number of people dying. And you also guarantee to massively raise the number of people suffering.

You can see how its working. And why the stats and numbers are what they are. It isn't rocket science. You reap what you sow. The NHS is getting far too comfortable with "excess mortality" figured into its default operating status and this being normalised as just How Things Are. The slide of acceptance into, well, people aren't that precious, what does it matter if we lose a bunch along the way to perfectly treatable things.

Of course. If you're a rich elite type. You get all the attention.

We seem to be rapidly settling into a two tier society in many ways. This is a consequence of the massive wealth imbalance. It has consequences beyond just a number in a bank balance. It also starts to bleed into tacit ideas of who is worthy, who is expendable, and how much effort you should bother with for the "peasant class".

The biggest mistake of the 20th century was the belief that the class war in effect for most of the rest of human history was largely won by the equality side, or at the very least, was on a path to victory and understanding and a better balance, and that the whole elite rich versus the dirty peasants wasn't a thing anymore. Wrong. The ultra mercantile class are now the masters pulling the levers of power to keep themselves on top.

Hazel is back today. She confessed on the way home that she needed a day of "not existing". I said to her I had figured as much. As I noted yesterday the excuse of leaving Poppy with me being more "convenient" was nonsense - it was to me about her wanting to have a day or two off. I quietly said to her that she should have just been truthful in the first place. She didn't hear it, I said it again, didn't hear it, I waved it away. Forget it. She is going to do what she's going to do. She's fine. 

Tomorrow there are a bunch of tasks stacked up. She is going to accompany me to the GP, but at this point I am not sure I see the point of even attending. She needs to pick up late meds again. Get Poppys meds. And wants to pick up some things in the city. A lot. She has said I can just go back home, leave her in the city, but meh. We shall see how I am holding up.

Today my anxiety has been crawling. Bad at the start of the day, drifted off in the mid afternoon, and oddly returned even worse in the late afternoon. A horrible sense of doom clings to me. I am jumpy. And utterly lacking in confidence. I am quiet. I want to curl into a ball under a duvet and sleep forever.

Hazel brought some lemon balm tea for me to try. Apparently it can help a bit with anxiety. All very psuedo sciencey voodoo. But I am up for anything.