Feb 1

 First day in a lonnnggg time I haven't had nausea. It makes a difference. I feel all around a bit better because of it.

I slept long today and didn't fret about it. Yesterday was a lot. Today I let myself off. Also. Avoiding Hazel. Just stay upstairs in the back half of the house.

Early evening Poppy forced her way into my room to say hello. Jumped into bed. Kisses, cuddles, leaned into me for scritches. Dogs have a knack of being cute and what you need when you need it. It made me think about whether the same behaviour would also be cute in a person. I think there would be more of a tendency to be aggravated if a human did it. But then again. If a human did it with such innocence, lack of hurt, and was open to easily being told boundaries, then, maybe it too would be cute. Anywho. Dogs have nailed that line.

Poppy then curled up next to me and gave her feet a good clean whilst I watched youtube. Companionable.

Got up to have a tea and toast. This is the first day in absolute weeks, more than a month, where I have actually been able to get up and have something to eat and drink without the thought of it turning my stomach and instead putting it off for hours.

Perhaps unwisely I decided to be social and ate my toast in the living room with Hazel. She was ok for 5 minutes. Before descending into non stop misery and aggression. Over nothing at all. Here it is :

I briefly mentioned I had been perusing 3d printers again. I have a hilarious thing where I like looking at them and get inspired by what they can do, and I would love to do, but then, never end up using them. Because. Energy. Health. Space. Etc. But still. I get inspired with them. It is. A positive thought cycle for me. Something that is incredibly rare for me. So. It's nice. Hazel immediately lambasted me. Not another one. Just a waste. Why bother. Sure I said. I said think of it like a bucket list. Wrong again. That's not what a bucket list is. Bucket lists are for things you've never done before. Ok. Well. What does it matter I said. I then pondered for the umpteenth time that I would like a workspace. This got another frown. Can't do that. Just change the backroom. But you have to get rid of stuff. I am not getting rid of the table I said - it's a lovely table, one of the few things my parents bought me. Exactly she said with some venom. Sigh. Ok.

I said if I had a period of feeling better I could either put a workspace at the bottom of the garden - this triggered an avalanche of venom. I can't do that. It would be a lot. I wouldn't be doing it I said. There would be lots of upset and people walking back and forth through the house. Err. No I said. They go round the back. For everything I've had done in my garden - including the complete overhaul - they just use the back entrance ( Hazel wasn't even around when this has happened a few times, so she really doesn't fucking know ). This didn't deter Hazel from her tirade of negativity. You can't do that. You don't know your neighbours. You were friends with the last one. You don't have access. I do have access I said. You would need to ask your neighbours permission she said. Completely false. Part of the houses here have a legal right to access. It''s because of the nature of the setup. She continued on with negative points despite this.

It doesn't matter if she is just utterly bullshitting or not - you need permission, no, I do not - she will just continue to pull things out of her ass that rain on your parade. It is exhausting. Imagine someone that just for 5 minutes solid will tell you why everything is shit - made up facts, lies, hurtful things, anything, in order to show that weirdly she is right in her negativity and everyone else is wrong. She is the absolute opposite of helpful or supportive.

Option two I said was to move. I had seen a couple of places months ago that were surprisingly affordable for me and bigger.

She then said I should move to Yarmouth.

Famously I have a low opinion of Yarmouth.

No I said. It's a shithole.

You don't go out anyway she said. You just stay in.

I said she was being Helpful Hazel again.

What she said defensively. It is helpful.

I am not moving to Yarmouth.

She continued on. About why it was the only option.

???

What ?

Again at time point I called her helpful. I might even had said she was being an ass. But no. She had people and ideas to trample. Fuck you.

There is a really freaky pattern she does here. Every idea you come up. Anything you say. She has to shoot it down. And if a possibility she has to set it up as the most miserable fucked up painful thing. She knows what you don't like, or don't want. And then sets that up as the only option.

Perhaps it is just her way of not dealing with change. Or trying to control you. Some trauma thing perhaps.

But. It's a really shitty personality trait. And trauma or not something that could be easily controlled with just a bit of self awareness and not being a fucking dick the entire time.

At this point, after just getting constantly fucking railed the whole time, I realised I should take my leave. She was unpleasant to be around. A massive pain in the ass. As unsupportive as you get. And reaching for reasons why everything I am, or do, or want to do would be shit, and the only options were shit.

She is a lot to deal with.

I am very much not enjoying her being here at this point.

I think in future I need to make a mental point of never discussing any plans or anything like signs of life with her. She will just shit all over it. Just remember she is the most unhelpful person you will meet, and don't bring anything up like that. She will not be supportive or helpful.

Not for the first time I have come to the conclusion I don't need that level of negativity in my life. I'd literally be better off in isolation than that !

Eh well.

Poppy seems to be doing better, still a bit limpy. If possible I might bring up the idea of what her plans are and that maybe she doesn't want to be staying with me if Poppy ends up actually living for another year. Hard to predict. The downside to this is that any decline in Poppys state - which is inevitable - would then be blamed on me. Because Hazel does blame dispersal very well anyway. And she would just fixate on them moving out being the cause of all calamities from hereon in.

Maybe I just need to suck it up - avoid Hazel harder - and let her do whatever she has a mind to do.

This is absolutely the last time I help her in any major way though.

She is too much of an asshole to bear.

I don't mind about the money expenditure or inconvenience or anything. Money is not a high priority for me. It is useful to help people. I do mind if you treat me like shit and then still hold your hand out for money, favours, living costs etc. To me that seems at the very least... wildly ungrateful. You get to behave like a cunt, and still get rewarded ? As understanding and soft as I am, that seems a bridge too far. There must be consequences to bad actions, otherwise, what use is there ?

Meh.

Anyway.

Feeling a little bit better today. No nausea. Well, none to speak of. A blessing.