Feb 12

 Nausea abated, then came back again. So it seems to go at the moment.

I have started the PPI meds, we shall see how they do. Last time they were as much a bad thing as they were a good thing. Ho hum.

My internal dialogue has kind of gone quiet. I am blotting out much of what it going on in the world - avoiding news for the most part, really trying very hard to avoid news from the US, and for myself I am getting up to nothing at all. Just nursing myself through varying levels of unwell. Perhaps my brain is shutting off. Had enough. Exiting. Who knows.

Yesterday I managed to eke out some work before collapsing in the afternoon, having a sleep in the early evening and waking up feeling truly terrible. Everything ached. Sluggish. Nauseous. Too much. My first waking thoughts were that I couldn't keep doing this.

But here we are.

Keeping on doing this.

As well as feeling utterly broken on waking up yesterday, I also had a dream about Athena. Which was nice. But when I remembered it 20 minutes after waking it wiped me out to an intensely sad state. Feeling like shit. And terribly sad. I mean. This is the good stuff. What a marvellous life experience.

Poppy is doing ok. Due for another librella shot and a collection of pain meds today. She is getting lots of love from me, and she is a very happy girl at the moment with a noticeable but not too troubling limp. Of course. That's a limp on every painkiller known to man at a high dose. So. Yeah. Off painkillers.. would not be viable I think. At all. The librella is doing some very heavy lifting to mask the problem. 

I have been spending my evenings when I feel... well... to be honest... not always very well, but I force myself... to play a video game I am chewing my way through. Factorio. A logistics puzzle of epic scale. It scratches my problem solving monster and coding brain. It means much of my thinking brain is occupied with pointless logistic puzzles instead of anything else. Which is a good thing. That part of me can turn on myself I have found. If not given problems or puzzles to solve. It will start dissecting everything else. Which whilst objectively is admirable, from a happy point of view it's horrific. You want the truth. You can't handle the truth. 

Uh huh.

The day before last I ended up sleeping 18 hours. Round the clock goes. Daylight comes, goes. I do not move. And when I wake. I am not refreshed, not full of energy. I am tired. And sleepy. And could just continue sleeping.

The dwindling of Bork.

Despite persistent mental health challenges, still dealing with grief, loss, sadness, struggling to deal with the realities of my physical health, I am not, touch wood, at this point, losing my mind in the way I can. I am pretty sure that is down to the mental meds. Keeping a relatively trim boat. I do wonder sometimes if the mental meds are not so much helping the depression as masking some ADHD fuckery instead. Which can also be the source of various mental health fuckups.

My sister has been in touch recently. Quite a bit. This has cheered me up a little and left me feeling a little bit less isolated family wise. We have compared ailment notes. Albeit. I am now reluctant to go into mine. Not because I am uncomfortable or private. I am just increasingly wary of putting out my suffering into the world. Nobody wants to hear it. Despite my brother apologising for that comment. It still burns in my brain. It reinforces that bunker mode. That reluctance to share things. To not talk. To dig the hole deeper. I am intellectually aware of what's going on. And that he apologised. And don't take it to heart. And all very good. However. In practice it continues to leave a scar. It has given my inner demons an stronger stick to beat myself with. This is a sad reality of life, that sometimes, an apology to cover a misstep does not magically heal the damage. Doors once opened can't always be closed again. The stripes on the back of a whipper person never go away. A species that goes extinct is never recovering.

Somethings are a one way process.

It is something to bear in mind I suppose. That damage done can not always be taken back. Even when the most heartfelt of apologies is given, and all have the best of intentions, not to carry grudges et al. The scars are still there. And that perhaps we should think twice, three times, four, before unleashing damage, because once let loose, it can't always be undone. 

Life is tricky. People are tricky. Even under the best circumstances. I still maintain we have forced ourselves into a position of being like the fish trying to climb a tree. Out of our natural evironment. An evolved problem solving brain that does more harm than good. We are ill equipped to face down the universe.

Be like dog. Stick good. Splashy water good. Dinner awesome. Sleep fantastic. Tomorrow is another day full of sticks, water and dinner. The universe doesn't come into it at all. Somewhere along the way, we lost our innocence and had it replaced with awareness of our place in a futile existence. Excellent strategy.

Anywho.

Be thankful for what I have.

A roof over my head. Food in the pantry. A bed to sleep in. Quiet to slip away into. No financial worries.

And I am grateful for that.

One last thing.

There has been a change in tone about AIs of late. There is a real sense of panic in the "great and the good" and the people involved with the research first hand. A sense of impending doom. That change, unknown, major change, is right around the corner. And its effects are going to be a tsunami. Accurate anxiety ? Or a bit of paranoia ? I am leaning to the former not the latter. The next few years are going to be Interesting Times, in more ways than one. The next decade is going to be, I think, absolutely bonkers and unprecedented. We shall see. For myself. I am barely alive just watching on the sidelines from a "deathbed". I have little skin in the game. My future is already cooked.