Feb 2

 Mild nausea today, not enough to be terrible, enough to keep me mostly in bed, asleep, avoiding the worst of it.

Today I also avoided most of the house. Kept to myself. Avoided Hazel. Couldn't be doing with more negative interactions. In the late evening, making something to eat for myself, Hazel ventured out just to be social. She was fine. Normal. Not grinding teeth. Her moods are crazy. If and when she isn't in a horrible abusive mood she is fine. But her mood turns on a sixpence, and often as not turns ugly. This fits with the borderline personality diagnosis and its inability to regulate emotion and in particular negative emotions and responses.

In any case, I chatted for 5 minutes, then beat a hasty retreat.

Today, for what it's worth, was my birthday. A large portion of it was spent in bed. Nothing to be celebrated. Nothing to be marked. I am not miserable about celebrations. I think it's cool that people can do things on their birthdays, and have fun and yada yada. But mostly that's not for me, and as ill as I get, it's definitely not for me. It exists in some other world to mine. This is true of a lot of things in life for me.

I finally spoke to my sister today. She is not doing great. She is, ostensibly, fine. But. She isn't. She's doing that bullshit thing drummed into all of us. Stand up. Keep marching. I'm fine. You're fine. We're all fine. Keep going. Struggling with health issues. And although she didn't say, she has a lot of stress with her kids. Grown adults. But all of them struggling. She didn't stay for long talking to me. She is, I think, uncomfortable period. I think it took her effort to talk to me. I wasn't looking for it. I just asked her if she was ok. Because it was clear, she wasn't entirely right.

I told her that if she needed to talk she could always talk to me. We didn't have to talk about me at all. Just her. She was ok she said. She hadn't told anyone. She was ok on her own with it.

Uh huh.

That's not how any of that works.

But ok.

But that's a whole other can of worms to do with loving yourself, being allowed to be helped, sharing burdens et al that has been beaten out of her. Therapist territory. I doubt she will change at this point.

Anyway. I offered. Maybe somewhere at some point it will stick, she will remember, and she will talk. I doubt it. But the offer is there.

Even as I dwindle being ill, if I can, I will listen.

What else can you do but try to help. Nothing more important than that I think in life.

Docs tomorrow.

11am.

I will try to be a bit more forceful in getting to the bottom of my nausea. Everyone now seems to be of the opinion that I need a camera down there. Yeah. I agree. Been trying. We shall see. And like everything else. DO IT. If it's nothing. Happy days ! If it's something, you have something to work on ! But don't just fucking do nothing !

I don't understand the way the NHS makes its decisions. Wait until you drop seems to be the overwhelmingly common answer to everything.