Feb 20

 5.20am. I've been asleep for the magic number of 16 hours just about. A wake up here or there for a short while. Most of those hours I have been plagued my a low level migraine threatening to always step up. I tried sleeping with it only - no meds - to minimal success. After 12 hours of that nonsense I bit the bullet and took a couple of aspirin at risk of completely wrecking my dubious nausea levels.

I have had a shower. The first in. I don't know how long. These last few months have been unusual for me. Usually I am at least a once a day shower kind of person. But these last few months it has lapsed. A week. Two weeks. Three weeks.

I feel. Fragile. Shaky.

I desperately just want a normal day. A normal day where I feel normal. I don't want to be ill. I don't want to be sick. Or exhausted. Or a migraine. Or some other bullshit that goes on with me.

I feel like I am on a knife edge. Waiting for the other shoe to drop and something to develop into something worse from the quasi undecided state it currently is.

I need to catch up on some work, but have zero motivation for it at the moment. Focused on just not feeling like shit. 

Spoke to my sister again. She is due in hospital for a scan next week. A camera. To whisk away around inside her. After initially saying her tests came back ok she revealed that one of her tests noted early stage 2 kidney failure. Not good. She rationlised it away by saying that it could have been a recent treatment she had with salt. Which. It might be. But it would be unlikely. I need to wrestle some more details out of her. Do you leave it or ask about it. I don't wont to stress her out with anxiety. On the other hand. If that is her diagnosis, she needs to take it seriously.

Very briefly exchanged a few words with Hazel. Poppy seems to be doing ok at home. So. Good for now. We shall see how it goes. Time, life and wellness is only ever a one way direction, not if, but when.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feb 29

 Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Read more

May 9

 Athenas back left leg is limp. Lifeless. Just. Gone. Her right one is only vaguely there, still trying to walk a bit at times. But. No strength. Folded. We have got her up a few times today, to drink, pee, poo. She has got accustomed to being carted around in a sling, her front legs still working. She still looks up. Wants to know what you're eating. She is, as she ever has been, still Athena. Still interested. Still awake. And tomorrow at 11am I take her to put her to sleep. Her legs are gone. Not just an overdid it. They are gone. I do not know or understand how they suddenly went from fine to not fine in 15 minutes. But it has happened. And they show no signs of reversing. Today I made the stupidly hard and fucked up and awful decision to put her to sleep tomorrow. I have crucified myself over it. Today ? Tomorrow ? Monday ? Next week ? Tomorrow. There is no hope. She will not recover. And I will have to snuff out her good life, her beautiful soul, full of curiousity and confid...
Read more

Nov 6

 Wake up at 8.20AM with the sound of next door replacing their bathroom. I cannot begin to describe how deathly awful I feel. Shit scraped from the bottom of the barrel. I check the laptop. Set it up for work. And then collapse back to sleep. I worked for some hours last night. I felt a little better, so, I worked. Midday. Awake again. I come out of a horrible horrible place. Everything aches. My eyes are sealed shut with gunk. A wincing pain somewhere around my stomach like a squeeze accompanies my waking. I often get this now. I feel utterly terrible. I have run out of options and coping strategies. So Trump wins with a fairly convincing win. What's the message ? America really hates women presidents ? If nothing else it's clear a large part of the US is fine with all that Trump represents. It was always going to be this way, if not now then soon. The rump of the US is morally bankrupt, happy to occupy a devoid of principles space, large on religious bigotry and hate. The US ...
Read more