Feb 21

 Tried hard to have a normal day yesterday. Failed. Managed to stay up for a few hours, didn't move much, ate a little, felt ill, went to sleep... 14 hours later, it is Friday.

Yesterday I got up to check the car - I thought I had perhaps left it off charge. That whole thing, shoes on, cross the road, check the car, come back, exhausted me. Shockingly bad.

Today I have arranged to meetup with a fellow CFS sufferer. As it stands it's not something I can even contemplate doing. 

My sleep and inactivity is so bad, I am having great trouble figuring out when to take medication. It's always a weird time, never a clear 24 hour delay, and my memory blurs. Today I turned over somewhere late afternoon utterly disorientated. I thought it was night, but daylight was hitting the window. For a moment I couldn't figure out what day it was or how long I had been sleeping. It didn't matter. Exhausted. I just went back to sleep.

A tiny voice in me says I should go out. Walk. Even if it's 4am. Fight a little. Do things.

A bigger voice in me says to rest. And. What does it matter anyway. Just. Let go. 

Hum ho.

Weirdly my confidence and capability to do shit erodes badly. I need to copy a hard drive at some point. It feels like a complicated difficult task. It is not. I have copied endless hard drives before. But. My confidence is shot. Struggling to do shit.

Tomorrow is another day.

I have been up for an hour. And already I can feel a bone deep tiredness kicking in. A need to sleep.

Perhaps I have turned into a bear that hibernates during winter ?

Ha. Very doubtful.

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