Feb 24

 Yesterday I had a better day. For the whole day. The day before descended into a slump of exhaustion which got a bit better in the evening, but was the feared backward step. Yesterday however was better all round. Out of nowhere. For no good reason. A break in the clouds.

I felt like I had a little bit of strength. I could do things. I felt like talking to people. I felt like doing something. The change between that and the exhausted state is like night and day. I am an entirely different person. Everything changes. You have no anchor dragging behind you.

I decided to go for a short walk, but, I felt that bit better that I wanted to go do something more. Get in a car. Visit someone. Have a cup of tea. A chat. As I turned around to venture further out I had a brief worry - oh, is this me overreaching again. Feel a bit better. Blow out energy. Crash.

I ignored it.

What to do.

As an adult I have learned that people in the modern world are inaccessible. They need schedules and times and dates many days in advance in order to coordinate their lives, expectations, whatever to meet. I understand. But a larger part of me hates it. That people aren't spontaneous. Can't do shit without some schedule planned.

I think part of the reason I hate it is because I know how unplanned I can be. Unscheduled. And with an ill health that leaves me unable to predict when I will be in a state to do something, I can't plan forwards, I can only say in a given moment, an hour before, oh, I feel like I can do something. But then. There are few things of quality I can do in such a short advance warning. Perhaps I need to get better at figuring out spontaneous things I can do. Other than going for a walk.

One of the few people that is typically available is Hazel.

So I pinged her. And went for a visit. To get out. Do something. Stretch my legs. See how Poppy was doing.

We ended up going for a short walk with Poppy, Hazel pushing her luck wanted to go for a short drive and a walk somewhere with water and grass and yada. To be fair to her she did keep asking if it was ok. Which I said it was. It kinda wasn't. But. That's on me. Not her. Or perhaps. It's on both of us. She should know at this point I am suggestible to helping out.

We had a walk. It was nice. Bitter sweet. Another one of Athena's favourite places to go. In and out of water. Horses. Things to explore. It just reminds me of the sweet girl I lost. No longer my shadow. No longer my ever loyal companion. It is hard. Half way round the walk I said to Hazel that I missed Athena so much. Me too she said.

Once again I cannot understand the balance of the world. The equation. The result. It is. Diabolical. Loss. Sadness. Things gained. And then taken away. And the state of loss. Bereft of the things that were loved.

Anyway.

Walk done. I was aching and muscle strained by the end of it. Figures. I have not done even a short dog walk in months upon months.

Came home. Didn't crash. A good day.

Today. I thought it was Sunday. I have lost an entire day. It is in fact Monday.

I cannot tell you where that day has gone. If I think back I can track the days. And I am missing one. It starts to come into focus. A half day. A twilight day. That zipped past.

It sounds stupid. But it has rattled me a lot. The disorientation is hardcore. I have lost an entire day. Hum ho.

Today I am slower. More tired. But not completely wiped out by exhaustion. Ish. Trying to keep my head above water.

Work tomorrow. One day quicker than I was expecting.

Not cool.

A few pics from the walk.





 

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