Feb 27

 Work was super hard this week. Struggled to get shit done. And then a migraine wiping me out for a good portion of Wednesday.

My condition is slumping back into its usual super shit state. I have had a handful of better days - not good, but better - but that period seems to be closing.

Gout has flared then gone back down again. I think it's more a certain kind of sugar than anything. Bizarrely. I ate a (single) cookie the other day, and 12 hours later, the gout was up. I have noted before some minor correlations about this. To the extent that I have previously swore off cherry bakewells ( a fave ), and some other conspicous sugary things. Not that I have sugar. Once in a rarity. But. If I do. 

It's hard to see the wood for the trees because, it could be a bunch of things. I have a vague suspicion as well that it might be what kind of things you eat over a several day period - a slow build up of urea. But. I'm not sure. It's also true that I have gone through periods of almost starvation and still have gout flares. And I avoid almost anything half related to gout. So. Meh. It might, at the end of the day, just be a problem that flicks on and off almost at random, rising and falling with all the other stuff, rather than a discrete bad input, bad output kind of problem. Like trying to nail a signal on an old school radio as it wanders around as atmospheric changes affect it.

Anyway whatever. I am not obsessing about it.

I am trying to stay a bit positive at the moment. Well. Not beaten into the dirt. It's hard. I find of late I have been disappointed with people. Minor and major. Life is hard enough as it is, and then people start to show a bit of their true colours. It's. Eh. A headwind. This stuff goes in cycles. Some periods things just align and you find people all at once are less than spectacular. The wheel turns, it jumbles up, things aren't so bad. I am finding it hard not to think badly of people though. I wont get into the details. But meh. It doesn't do my mentals and situation much good. People do take advantage of me. I think I just need to not think about that stuff for a while to let my naturally trusting generous side recover a bit.

Today I am going to mooch around a bit. Rest. But not rest too much. Try to do something useful perhaps. The house is a bit of a state. I haven't been able to do shit of late. Not even cook. I have at this point eaten all my leftovers, made on better days in the now distant months.

I got a little chest freezer a few months ago. A small but decent sized one. It has been extremely useful in quadrupling my freezer space. I should have got one ages ago. So useful for putting leftovers in, and going to the luxury of sticking a loaf of bread in it for those rare occasions you want a bit of toast.

I wish I felt better.

I can very much feel that my capabilities are nothing like they used to be. I am, if I am brutal about it, an invalid. Not even a debate. Regrettably I do fit with that chronic illness tag. I am a shadow of what I used to be. Ho hum. Sometimes I worry about it a little. I probably shouldn't. Sometimes I worry if I am financially secure, no matter I have gone through it half a dozen times and I am pretty sure that yes, even under the worst case scenario, I am.

Eh well.

March very soon. And within the blink of an eye it will be a year since I lost Athena. I miss her greatly. I miss both of them greatly. I don't think there will ever be a point where I don't. They were beautiful and happy and loving. Amazing. I count myself lucky to have experienced life with them. Life without them is rough. Always a cost. To everything. But I am glad I was with them. And saw their beautiful lives.

Fuck death. Fuck the cruelties of existence.