Feb 4

 Yesterday afternoon I slumped into sleep after the doc visit. Woke up in the early evening feeling utterly awful. Nausea hovered. But a blast from the past - my entire left side was ringing like a bell. Like sticking my fingers in a plug socket again. Way way less intense that it was at the height of being ill. But it was there nevertheless and it made me feel dreadful. Tinnitus in both ears screeching at maximum decibel. Left side of face slightly tingly. I would guess that somewhere in there is a damaged nerve, definitely the hangover from whatever went on in 2021. Get in the wrong spot and you trigger it. But who knows.

Today my sleep schedule is instantly backed to screwed up. Work today. I have decided not to push it and just try and get some sleep - burning half the day away - before pulling myself out of it to be functional. I will work later as a result - something I am not keen on doing. I have half a mind to call it a sick day and be done with it, but I fear if I do that, I will end up sick everyday. Because. You know. I am.

Nausea today is very minimal. It does seem to be very slowly getting better. Very. Slowly. We shall see if the PPI makes it better or worse.

My sleep is full of dreams. Some of which I barely remember. Others stick with me. Very often they can be full of anxieties, and sometimes my symptoms bleed into them and colour the dream, where on waking I find that the dream was just a soft reflection of what I am currently suffering from. Apnea being a fun one. The dreams become foggy. Hard to think. You dream of not being able to think straight. And then wake up, foggy, hard to think and unable to think straight. Oh. Right.

My dreams are always full of the past. Characters and places pulled from my history. They are wistful at best. A sense of loss pervades them. People. Time. It seems that theme saturates me to my core. Sometimes I wake up wondering what those people are doing. My next instinct is that I wouldn't like them to know how I am doing. Like the leper, I would prefer to stay hidden with my affliction. Another scribble on the shrink notepad, Not Good.

Hazel has seemingly returned to being ok again. She breezed through the kitchen last night as I made some food in good spirits. A little too bright. But I will take overbright compared to abusive. Again. This is the borderline kicking in. I actually know two guaranteed triggers for Hazel that will show you the high and the low in rapid succession. Go to a supermarket and let her spend as she likes. She becomes over loud. Over animated. Talking almost constantly. A stream of chatter. And. Same place. Put people around her. She will snarl and roll eyes and throw comments testing the level of volume to be heard and not heard. A knife edge of a fight. Supermarket visits with Hazel are exhausting. But generally benign, despite the spoiling for a fight at times. It has often been the case in my low energy state that she will absolutely drain my batteries flat half way around a visit. Not that we often go to a supermarket together, but when we do, it's not easy for me.

I am still avoiding the news from the US. It's pretty hard these days, everywhere is full of it. The few snatches I unwittingly get are painting a picture of the US sinking hard. I will be surprised if it recovers from this. The techno assholes are seizing the means of government. Arch spider Larry Ellison has come out of his hole. One of the biggest right wing assholes there is. And like a slowly spreading infection, some assholes in the UK are now sporting MEGA hats. Idiots. I am pretty sure this will stay as a niche thing however. The UK is not the US.

Canada is now starting to boycott US products and services. As much as I try to avoid all such US toxicity online as well as in the news, it's hard to avoid, and there to I have seen growing calls to boycott the US. Can't say I disagree. 

Barring some enormous natural disaster of a scale not seen before - or perhaps a massive economic slump - I don't see the US ever overcoming its divisions and recovering at this point. The media, Murdoch and Fox, have done their work. Always formenting divisions. It is now a runaway process. In a better world Murdoch should be tried for crimes against humanity. It is not a better world.