Feb 9

 Nausea has subsided, I think, finally, it maybe on its very last legs. It has taken approximately 3 months. Despite that I am finding my CFS et al is still biting very hard, my wellness which is typically shit anyway has shifted down another notch to leave me hovering close to invalid.

I have slumped into some kind of adaptation of life. I sleep a lot. Move very little. Watch a little streaming tv. Play a game on better days. Try and get some food. And that's the summary of my life. On work days I struggle to squeeze that into my schedule of coping. I nap. Oversleep. Flake out. Make up time. It's a struggle.

I am sad. A deep heavy kind of sad. Not a screaming crying sharp misery. Just a deep hopelessness. I am worn down to nothing by my continual ill state, months zip past in a fog of unwellness. There is little to no meaning in my life. 

I have nothing to say.

All the fires are at a low ebb.

I get some peace when I can disappear into a good story and am well enough that I can maintain that. At those times I am no longer me. No longer in the world. I am an observer in a story. 

Otherwise, the closest to peace I get is sleep.

Hazel is still here. Her moods shift from snarl to content. I am not interacting with her much. I said two words to her yesterday and only briefly glimpsed her in doing so. Poppy is still doing ok. There are possibly signs her leg is getting very slowly worse, even with the meds. But. It varies somewhat day by day. For the moment, she is a happy girl. Hazel mostly constrains her to downstairs to avoid the stairs over tiring her leg. Which is sensible. But other times she comes upstairs to have a cuddle with me in bed. Any time I venture downstairs she pops up, tail wagging, greeting me at the bottom of the stairs. And then follows me about. Happy to see me. Dogs are amazing like that. Genuinely happy to see you and will show you how much they appreciate you. Everyday. They are just wired differently to us. Better. They live in a happier world. I speak fluent dog. So I know how to say hello. And what they're thinking. And they respond massively, glad to have someone who speaks their language, not some stupid human rules and regulations nonsense. It matters.

Time passes. I pass the time I am awake as best I can. Just waiting. Waiting for an end. Purgatory.