Mar 10

 Totally overdid it yesterday. Felt a bit better. Played computer games all day. Zero breaks. Like it was 15 years ago.

Doing that shit these days is not smart. But. It's refreshing to actually be able to do that in the first place. I haven't been close to doing that in a long time. But still stupid. I am finding in these recent years I am struggling more and more with certain... personality quirks... that I have. The hyper focus. The forgetting to eat. Drink. Pee. The sudden bursts of interest. The malaise. Yes. It does sound like the trendy on point diagnosis everyone seems to be getting these days. This stuff has always been a part of me since I was a kid. But it was ... blended a little into the background. Weird. But not super out there weird. These days. I don't know. It has kicked up a notch. Perhaps it's the quiet lifestyle I have, spending a lot of time on my own where I feel ill or can't do shit. Or maybe it just gets worse as I get old.

Today I am tired. Understandably. I have taken half a day to "warm up" into some kind of wakeful state. But I don't feel too bad. The exhaustion and shit hovers somewhere in the background, but it is not pressing me up close. It is something to be wary of. But. It is manageable. This. Is good. For me anyway.

The news and the state of the US et al is just horrible. I have been avoiding it. It is so difficult to avoid. And if anything my reaction to it is getting worse. It's miserable. Depressing. Watching the absolute worst people behave like morons, greedy vacuous shitbags. And get away with it. The opposite of justice or a sense of right prevailing.

I must redouble my efforts to avoid all news from the US and the orange fuckhead. It would be nice to go take a vacation for say, ooh, 4 years. Perhaps I need to think about some radical changes to what I am doing. How online I am. Or rather what I do online. It seems to be, spending less time online and exposed to the utter toxic bullshit is very sensible. I can imagine just noodling about with crafts or stuff around the home and not picking up a phone or looking at a fucking browser. Maybe playing some games. But absolutely not seeing any headlines. Or links. Or anything. Just. Pull the plug. Kinda.

For some reason my thoughts backtrack to the nice holiday cottage I saw up in Scotland. More remote. Very pretty. If only I had my fur babies to take for walks and I had the health to do it. I think they would have loved it up there with lots of walks and green spaces to explore. In one small way. It's like having the most enthusiastic hiking buddies. Who are fun to be around. Protective. Silly. And endlessly fascinated by what they find. Perfection. Really.

Ho hum.

I need to sort some bureaucratic shit out today that I have put off. Get a blood test arranged. Confirm to the hospital about my upcoming neurology appointment ( which I have zero clue what it's about ). And get my med prescriptions on the go. I have been reluctant to tackle it. I have put my blood test off for 2 weeks now. Drawing blood is a non event for me. Doesn't hurt. I don't care. It's fine. I just. Don't want to have to engage with the beast of indifference, random competence and wall of bureaucracy that is the NHS. Even though in theory this is routine. Not something to have to fight. I find I am wary of them. Traumatised by them. I don't really trust them in so much as everything is a faff or a mistake or a shrug.

Apparently my sister and brother have better healthcare in their area. They can get an appointment the same day. They get follow ups. And scans. And stuff. They are in the same area as my office. Who also seem to do pretty well. I suspect it's something of a postcode lottery. Where I am is pretty dire it would seem. A small city struggling to hit targets. And with one of the worst performing mental health services in the country for more than 15 years. Uh huh. Perhaps I would have more luck in some other area.

Anyway.

I need to get my ass in gear and do my bureaucracy chores today.

I ordered myself a new graphics card today. I don't need it. It is expensive. A waste of money. I figure I will replace my old one - which isn't that old - and the new one will do me for many more years, and whilst I have a little energy kicking around I can do the replacement and then not have to worry about it again. I have managed to snag a brand new hard to get card. All the new cards have come out in the last week or so. New generations. All of them so expensive. The AI rush and inflation has pushed prices up. To be honest they haven't really gone down since covid and the bitcoin mining crap coincided.

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