Mar 16

 So I went and did my work presentation. It went really well. But the main aim of it - to deal with our problem "senior" dev - was a failure. Despite us all acknowledging the added costs of having to deal with multiple sources, and a development reality that would always be true for our largest client, he basically sulked and stuck to his opinion.

Everyone else in the room took it on board.

Our proper senior understood and wanted to break away from our difficult senior.

So.

The issue still remains. In fact. If anything. It might be worse. Because now its apparent there is dischord in the team.

That our senior guy is a problem is no surprise. His personality, his particular mental shape is very difficult to deal with.

It isn't so much the technical aspect of it.

It's that we have a very difficult senior dev who wants to do what he wants to do, and sulks hardcore if he doesn't get to do that.

And this is my failure - I don't have the energy or motivation to take that on, force him to do what the company strategy is. Of course. I get zero support from Andy on this who just says yes to everyone when he is on his own. He has already admitted making mistakes here. And that it was unfair of him to just push everything onto my shoulders. Effectively I have to deal with a problem employee and Andys bungled hierarchy where he has put someone in a role above their paygrade and now will not undo his mistake for fear - of course - of upsetting said employee.

It is what it is. This has always been a pain point in the business. And frequently weaknesses or failings in the business were directly then up to me to kick into correction, often at huge effort to overcome basic mistakes. In the past - this was shit - but it could be done. In my current state, it can no longer be done. I cannot be that superhuman corrective force that ends up doing everyones jobs just to get us to ballpark.

I have sat and thought about it all. Wandered one way and then the next.

But today. I find I am tired by it all. Not just our problem employee. But having to always deal with the problems that Andy throws in our way because of some serious failings in his approach to business. Don't get me wrong. Andy is doing very good by me at the moment. He is paying me arguably too much money for what I do in the place we are, and he would do better by hiring someone who could do a full time job in that role - of course, the tricky bit here is that in reality he has very slim to zero chance of ever finding the right person for that job. The institutional knowledge alone, *just* that, is enormous. It would be challenging to say the least. So there arguably is a push and pull going on there. You have to live with wha t you've got.

But.

I find myself tired with it all.

And really just wanting to walk away from it all.

For many reasons. I am ill. And sometimes struggle to put the hours in. Work is difficult for me from a health and energy point of view. And also because I cannot face the ongoing issues with as always difficult to manage developers.

I dropped off a laptop to my sister after work on Thursday. Set it all up for her. A modern new laptop to replace her old one - also one of my castoffs from probably 15 or more years ago.

I was exhausted on Thurday. I had overburned. I knew it.

Friday I lapsed in and out of sleep. Feeling ill on and off and on and off. I could not maintain. Which. Really is no surprise given how busy I was the day before. I stayed at my brothers overnight, and then spent most of Friday with them.

I wanted to speak to my Sister properly about my nephew and stuff. Where he was mentally. What to do about it.

It was heavy. And half way through talking to her about it, and also just listening to what she had going on in life, I felt ill. I could feel my energy disappear. But I stuck it out.

By the time I got back to my brothers I was again exhausted. A bit of brain fog.

I opted to drive home in the evening. Played some games. Conked out.

Yesterday I took it easy. Ended up in something of an argument with a friend who, almost surrealy, got into a position of saying that not all Nazis were bad. That only a small percentage of people in the world were responsible for atrocities, for war, for executions. It was like this secret band of the unhinged that were behind it all. And that possibly all 50,000 concentration camp guards were mentally ill.

It was hard to take seriously.

I was lambasted for not doing enough in my life. If I truly believed that showing kindness and understanding was paramount, why wasn't I doing endless charity work, and clearly I was a hypocrite.

This is despite me having offered my free time, hardware, knowledge et al to his charity work in the past. Offering technical advice. And. Just in the last few days helping people out in all sorts of ways. And worrying about the mental health of others and not just observing but trying to do something about it.

It has left a very sour taste in my mouth.

Not least of which is because I respect his work as a charity worker. But it seems. When push comes to shove. Everyone in the end can be an asshole. Or believe shit like Not All Nazis Are Bad People.

I mean. I do understand this. It is part of my whole experiential take, that humans as a whole are flawed. Everyone can be a monster. It isn't us vs them. It's just us. And this just reinforces the fact that there are no perfect people. There are no "good" people per se. Just people. Who are capable of both good things and bad things. And have the potential to do the most amazing things. And some of the most awful things you can imagine. There are no monsters under the bed filling the world with evil. Just humans.

Still. 

It is disappointing.

And the last few days have been too much.

I find myself in an uneviable position of having overburned. Said too much. Tried too hard. And had negative experiences of the worser side of people. And I find myself just wanting to withdraw from everything and everyone. Utterly done with the world. Which. I wasn't doing well at in the first place.

Ho hum. 

I find I don't have the energy to begin to explain to people what's going on. Why that's such a problem. I don't have the energy to yet again explain things to work, to Andy, in simplistic terms, setting out the issues and why they are a problem. I just need to lie down. Not continue to do some hardcore coaching and teaching. And have endless patience.

Or explain to my friend that lobbing personal insults when I am advocating for caring, and that exactly my point about how people can quickly become nasty is what he has darkly ironically, just done. You could do it. Step by logical step. But. I don't have the energy. I have to do this all the time with people. They get stuck in irrational little places. Faulty logic. Hypocrisy. Fiction. And the slower their brains work - or the more stubborn they are - the harder it is to edge them out of their hole.

I am exhausted. Utterly. Flatline. I don't think I can do any of it anymore.

Perhaps I just need some time and rest to get a glimmer of werewithal back.

I dunno.

I am sad.

I miss my babies.

I don't like the world we find ourselves in.

I don't like the way people turn negative so quick.

I hurt. And am ill. And suffer.

Life is not a fun ride for me. I don't want to engage or be here.

Difficult.

I suppose I need to find a different focus. Something quiet. Something without people. Or the news. Or the world. Some hermit like thing I can get on with. But the ill health makes it so difficult. I can't even do that.

Full circle.

Life is not a fun ride for me. Or even particularly tolerable.

I have a roof over my head. In theory food on the table ( hap hazard depending on how I am doing ). And financially secure. And in no danger of being overtaken by fascists, racists, or some society civil war. At least I don't have that to worry about I suppose.

But that doesn't lessen any of the other problems. Or very real existential threats they pose.

A person might be healthy with a good heart, no cancer, really fit. But they are still going to die when they fall over the cliff and plummet to their death. But they were so healthy ! At least they didn't have to worry about that. No. They just had to worry about the 100ft terminal fall they had just encountered.