Mar 17

 Sick on and off yesterday. Played a bunch of games inbetween the worst of it, but at times had to retreat to bed.

Slowly I have been processing work related stuff and I find myself increasingly uneasy and unhappy with my position. The long and short of it is I really am facing just knocking it all on the head. Time to go.

It's a complicated thing that has many factors to it. One of them is my incapability to work at a maximum pace anymore, and therefore am now much more constrained in what I can do work wise to compensate for problems that crop up. Which, whilst is a health thing, is ultimately a thing that most people will face. That transition from health to ill health. Young to old. Eventually everyone stops. Without exception. In my case, I am here probably a good 15 to 20 years before I should be. But in a way it's just the same path, but on a shorter time scale than typical. Then again, such reductionist takes get to be meaningless, as you can start reducing an entire life down to, well, you're going to die anyway, might as well not get out of your teens kind of thing. So. Timing is probably very important after all. Not just a case of shifting the timeline. There are implications to that too.

It has to be said though the main factor currently weighing on me about work is a difficult employee, which Andy has created, and then placed in my lap to sort out. It is, as he has admitted, an unfair thing to be doing. It's all made even worse by the - unwitting - undermining of any kind of strategy by basically caving in to whatever demands are made of him. Someone really doesn't want to do something ? Manipulate Andy. Manipulate is a harsh word. It's more subtle than that. But Andy has faced this problem in many different guises from many different people, including not least, clients that will bully him around becaue of his inability to say no or properly set his boundaries.

All in all it puts me in a bit of an untenable situation.

Which I am struggling to find a reasonable solution to.

One path just tells me, ignore it all, just, plod on, keep earning your money. Do what you can. And let the whole thing slowly find its own path, possibly to a very deleterious end. Watch the business become more unstable, more wobbly. Let whoever has the loudest mouth just dictate where it goes. Andy is by and large helpless in the face of this. He is never going to prevent this. His best shot is to find someone that actually aligns roughly with where he wants to be - which is tricky as sometimes his intentions are also negative for the business - setting multiple deadlines at the same point of time without resource and so on and so forth.

So. Just. Keep going as long as I can. Watch everything slowly get worse over time. Take the money. Eke out more time. Do what I can within my boundaries to help. But. That's it. 

Another path says that this isn't the usual state of excellence I usually strive for. Although. That in itself is a bit of joke these days where I absolutely cannot do half of what I used to, so, that horse has already bolted. But. Never the less. There's a bit of me that says if the position is untenable, it's better to just leave it. Let them get on with it. Don't let it drag me down.

But of course. Reality. Jobs. Money. Financial security.

I did a rough work out of money again the other day. I could very likely afford it. For the rest of my life I could live out on a meager pension which would be enough to let me live and noodle around. No fancy holidays or the like - not that I do that anyway. And to a certain extent. Saving more money at this point would just be gilding the lily. Pointless. But this is a really open question. About how much money you need. How much freedom you have. It's different for different people. And I am just entirely unsure about it all. I don't find much benefit in official financial advice out there which says - to me - stupid things like you need a million to retire, 5 million to retire. What kind of lifestyles does that get you ? Most "normal" people I know around me have nothing like that in savings, either for upcoming retirement or already in retirement. And they are doing just fine. My brother has nothing like that and is living a comfortable life. My sister has nothing like that and is living a comfortable life. One of my friends too. And on. And on. I have spoken to people about it. Retired people. They tell me to ignore the official financial advice. It is nonsense.

I don't really know what to make of it.

Having a million in savings seems like an enormous sum of money to me. Even the most lax amount of interest on that money every year would cover my living costs. Leaving an enormous untouched lump sum. Perhaps that style of retirement is one where you never take your foot off the gas. New car every year. Fancy holidays every year. Move house. This luxury. That thing. Personally I've never lived like that even when I've been earning good money.

Retiring completely is for me another one of those really unsure big moments in life for me. I just don't know the full consequences. My brother has advised just to do it. His experience and wisdom is, you need less than you think. And the urge tends to be just keep going, when in fact, you really don't need to. His advice is not to knock myself out here chasing something that I don't actually need.

Which. I absolutely can hear and understand. I appreciate the insight. I just. Don't know. For sure.

And there's that nagging easy solution.

Every month I keep working. Is one less month to worry about. Is another bit of delaying of making a decision.

I think perhaps, unsatisfyingly in the end. I just have to do my best, ignore the headwinds and imperfections and be fully prepared to fail in a work setting and just keep earning money. Extract as much worth as I can from that. Whilst also dancing that line about my own wellbeing, and my tendencies to always want to excel. Just. Suck it up. Do a mediocre job. Get pulled down to that level. And have to find peace with it. For the sake of financial security.

I guess to stop navel gazing about me for a moment. This is the balance of many people in jobs. Do something shit. Just to earn money to keep on going.

Except for me, it's not quite that stark. There is more of a choice here than a, I absolutely have to do this to survive.

The question is where is the line.

I have no clue.

I wish there were better advice out for this. Something that I would expect a government or the like to really be able to help you answer. Because they must have all the stats. All the figures. From millions of people having gone through such things. How much do you really need. Really need. But I suspect like much else, there is a bias there. The government do not like inactive workers. Even ones that can afford to retire. They like you working. So you can pay taxes.

Eh meh.

What a stupid world we live in. People don't come first. Systems come first. Greed comes first. Ego comes first.

Sigh.

So. I guess I am just going to have to sit and be miserable about work and live with it. Until. I actually get up off my arse and make a proper decision. Which already, implcication, I know what the right call to make is. I just worry about doing it.