Mar 18

 Today has been a day.

Our problem dev sent an email today as spokesman for the whole dev team setting out his opinions on things as de facto direction.

The tone was, meh.

I also knew the spokesman for the whole team thing was not entirely true.

To say this email annoyed me was an understatement.

Already embroiled in my own thoughts about just quitting, this didn't help.

Uncharacteristically for me I punched a wall in frustration.

And went into some serious soul searching. I wasn't enjoying this. I was no longer liking being in the whole IT process and driving the company forward ( as little as I can do these days ). Work had become a chore. Something I haven't properly experienced in decades. And something I am not sure I can tolerate anymore. Not because I refuse to work at something that is a chore.

But rather my own conscience wouldn't allow it. I am not going to just clock in, clock out, punch a card, go home. I haven't done that in forever. It's a horrible way to work. A reality to many I know. But I have spent too long actively giving a shit about work things, and striving for excellence, to at this late point in my career have to switch off to a grinding drone level of motivation.

I'd rather quit and allow the workplace to get someone in more dedicated.

Anyway.

I started calculating in earnest if I could retire. Right now. Right here. Lets go.

I can. I think. But it worries me. A big step. One of those stupid steps that once you've done it in hindsight its obvious and easy, but before you do it, its horrible.

I had the same experience when I went part time. Angsting about it. Doubts. Wondering if I was useless. Lazy. Whatever. And shortly after doing it. It was blindingly obvious that it was the right thing to have done and I was an idiot to drag my heels about it. ( Incidentally getting dogs was exactly the same process for me. I worry about all the possibilities over much I think ).

I called my brother.

Just to have someone to bounce my turmoil off. And also someone to talk to me about numbers. His experience - again - with retiring. I knew it all. But I needed to hear it all. Again. Tell me. Your story.

His advice by the end of it was stark.

Quit.

Just quit.

He said there was a real possibility that by the time I got to 60 I would have "too much money". Too much is subjective. For many my "too much" money is poverty. What do you mean I can't go on international holidays 4 times a year ?! It's like living like a peasant !

I don't have that lifestyle even when I have a regular wage. Let alone when I wouldn't.

All that my brother said was true.

I then spoke to Andy. And ranted at him. Apologising first. Then ranting. Then saying I was mostly just venting. But. I was on the verge of quitting. Very honest. Not worth it. Also. From a biz point of view. Let me go. You can use my wage to employ someone else. Talking myself out of a job.

Andy was adamant this was Not A Good Idea.

Even if I did nothing in the business he didn't want me to quit. Do not quit. He said it repeatedly.

I was there to if nothing else provide wisdom. Experience. A steadying hand.

Invaluable.

Hmmmmm.

I mean I do get my experience can sometimes drop a sentence and mean a difference in pulling back a work load by a month. Sometimes it's not how much you do. But the single drop of distilled wisdom that allows you to skip so many hours of grinding. I guess. This is any education or experience in a nut shell. Having to learn differential equations on the spot takes a lot more time than asking someone who already knows and has the answer.

Anyway.

I spoke to our problem dev at the end of the day. We hashed a few things out. And there is a path I think that allows us to get where we need to be. But I need to be watchful.

Andy thanked me for sticking through it. I said no worries but was not convinced I was the man for the job anymore.

Andy reassured me I absolutely was the man for the job.

So here we are at the end of the day.

A peace has been drawn. For the moment.

A huge amount of work is a few weeks away from commencing. A lot of these questions are going to be sorely put to the test. And we shall see how we do.

Our properly senior dev has ended up backing me up in what I was saying however. Andy also talked to him. And he said that our senior said pretty much the same as I had said. Good. It was good that Andy got a second opinion. Just to evaluate my bullshit is correct. But. It's important as well that our proper senior gets to spread his wing and voice an opinion. I've said it before but he is a great fit for the company. And his experience is excellent for us.

If I do leave, I said to Andy, for the love of God listen to your proper senior dev.

Anyway.

That is where it is. A lot of drama and angst, most of which is caused by a tricky to deal with dev, and a bit of mismanagement of employees. But we are where we are. Nothing is ever perfect. In fact. That's one of the things I try to get across to our devs - reality is imperfect you can't just sit on your perfect implementations and expect clients to come to you. You have to deal with their messy bits. And imperfections. Thats what its all about. Adaptation.

Anyway.

Whilst melting down I messaged Hazel. Thinking of quitting. I could do with you sending over some money to settle your debts. Not mean. Not nasty. Just. I need to know wtf my money is. And I am fretting.

She did so. All of it in one go. So. At least that's a thing.

She asked if there was anything she could do.

So.

Hazel does good.

With a small prompt.

I am now utterly exhausted.

Drained by way too much thinking and business.

And feeling - of course - slightly sick.

At least the day has finished better than it started ?