Mar 19

 Difficult day !

Today I have felt nauseous practically the whole day. Mostly a low level queasy state, which then ramped up by late afternoon early evening to a really shitty nausea which at times tickled a panic state. Bad.

I muddled through some work today until my "sister in law" popped up asking if I was about and would I like to do something in Norwich. She was getting her car done.

I felt queasy, ill, unwashed. But I agreed, and figured, fuck it, power through. Perhaps getting out, having something to eat, blah, would do me good.

So I did that, we had a catch up, I had something to eat. And through the whole thing felt queasy. And cold. And blechhh. I did my best. And was social enough. But I did not feel super duper.

By the time I got in my car to go home I felt awful. I had intended to go home pick up some work again then sleep.

Yeah.

No.

I got home felt absolutely shit and hit the bed like a tonne of bricks. There would be no working. I felt sick.

I spent a couple of hours in a very light doze feeling truly bloody awful.

It is frustrating. Shit. Worrying. Everything else.

I cannot fucking be normal. I cannot just go out and spend a few hours at lunch. This. Whatever it is. Cuts through everything. Whether I like it. Ignore it. Just try to fight through it. Or nurse it.

I have no goddamn control over it. It is going to do what it's going to do. And I have to accomodate it. I cannot bully it around by sheer will.

It is depressing.

I know. It is reality. I know I have run this gauntlet so many times before. The stubborn, no fuck you, I am going to pretend it's all ok, that I am somehow just willing myself to be ill, and by pretending to be chipper and getting out there it will all fix itself. And everytime it tells me uncategorically that that is not how that works. And you are going to pay for taking the piss with it.

Ho hum.

I think I need to go back to the GP and say, hey, guess what, the nausea is still there, a dose of PPIs did not fix it. So. We can talk about "further tests" now ?

Feeling well enough to do this - the ironic rub - is another thing. I will try at least putting my hand up for an appointment tomorrow. Given the usual bullshit. It will probably be another six weeks before I see someone.

Ho hum.

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