Mar 2

 I am trying hard at the moment to be "normal". Well. Whatever. At least. Some form of normal hours. Some form of not being a complete shit show.

Yesterday I got up at a normal person time - somewhere in the 7ams. Managed to stay awake all day. And then went to bed at somewhere in the 10pms.

This is like trying to squeeze a pig through the eye of a needle.

Tiredness dogs my heels, I have punchy black eyes. But I have felt worse.

Yesterday was plagued by not being able to sit or concentrate or do much at all for longer than 20 minutes. I have since learned that this is actually anxiety but in a form that I had never associated anxiety with. Whilst not pleasant, I will take that form of anxiety over the deep sense of dread, fear and inability to cope with fuck all that is my typical anxiety.

Yesterday felt too long. Too much time. I am not used to being up for such long periods of time, I have become used to only seeing a fraction of a day. Seeing a whole day feels like I don't have enough to do. Of course, I can't do a lot because I crash out. And I am uninterested in doing anything that might be considered fun, or hobby like, because. Well. Flatlined.

As it was in bits and pieces off and on like a hyper fruit fly with the constitution of an asthmatic ant, I ended up doing all the washing up, watered the plants, did some washing and some hoovering. So. Useful. Productive. I collapsed many times. And by the evening I felt ill as fuck. Yay. Nausea sunk its teeth into me hard.

A day where I can be even a little productive is a big win.

If I can just do a little washing up. A little tidying. Something. It's a huge thing. Because there are many days that stretches into months where I can't do shit. The last three months or so in particular have been like that for the most part. And the last couple of months or so the worst of all. 

Despite my brain often scrubbing the bad experiences away, I can still very much remember those days just a week and a half ago where I can't get out of bed, when I do I am wiped out, feeling horribly ill, manage only a few hours up before slumping back into sleep. Unable to do shit. 

Today I am trying to do the same as yesterday.

But the exhaustion is heavier today. My limbs are leaden. Punchy eyes. Tired all round. Moving is an effort. There is an overwhelming feeling of just wanting to melt into bed. That deep tiredness. The usual exhaustion shit.

I have had worse.

I don't know whether to fight it or give in to it.

No clue.

I spotted one of my young neighbours go out the back garden today. Holding a small pup. Ironically both my young neighbours on either side now have dogs. Dogs everywhere. I nearly went outside to make pains to see the pup. But I didn't in the end. Fleeting. I could probably give them a long list of cool places to go take a dog for a walk in and around the area. A secret list of places built up over many years of exploration.

So tired.

I think I will flick the TV and see if I doze off. Giving into the exhaustion. Maybe it will make me feel better.

Ha.