Mar 26

 Exhausted. Nausea every day. Back to peak bullshit. Worse than peak bullshit.

There are points in the day, not even bad points anymore, where I am straight up diabolical. I lapse into an exhausted sleep at these points. And feel. Even worse. It is hard to describe. Everything is wrong. Aches and pains everywhere. A lot of nausea. Headache. Absolute exhaustion. Sunken eyes. Brain fog. Brain zaps. And a sense of doom. Absolute circling the drain doom. The tinnitus is at a screeching maximum.

I flux in and out of this state. I am never feeling even slightly well. It has got worse this week from the slowly deteriorating point of a better couple of weeks.

I don't know.

I can't make food in such a state.

I struggled today to make myself a plain jacket potato. Nothing with it. Just a potato. 

Ho hum.

It is not a pleasant exit.

I can no longer even watch tv. It's beyond me. At better points I can just about manage this.

I have struggled this week to do work. I have tried to be helpful. Done a few things in the small windows of not being diabolically ill. But I can't maintain. Even from hour to hour.

I did ask for a GP appointment as of last week. But haven't heard anything. I don't think the NHS is going to save me.

In the middle of this Hazel has come and gone. Off to support a friend whos marriage has disintegrated. Poppy is off with her, but, then to stay at her dads. There has been a truce called she said. Well. I know you have problems. But good I said. I don't care what you think. I just think it's good. Her dad is clearly trying hard with her still. Something she doesn't acknowledge.

Hazel ended up staying a single night, a push off point to the station local to me, and also to borrow a laptop and a bag.

She was careful not to ask for lifts of any of the like. Which is spot on. I am very flakey again. As it turned out, I had a slightly better 45 minutes towards the end of that day and so did go to pick her up. And dropped her off the following morning.

I feel terrible.

Shit has got worse.

The nausea is a constant presence, albeit its "feel" changes.

Dying on my ass.

Eh well.

Bring it on.

And in the meantime. I will randomly sputter up and down doing what I can. Slip a bit of a game in here. A conversation there. Something to eat when I can. And slump for the rest of it.

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