Mar 28

Still here. Still shit. Yesterday was a bit better, less nausea, but still a lot. Today has been variable. Up and down. Nausea is a persistent issue and really serving to finish me off on top of all the other shit flaring up. Tinnitus has been screeching like a demon over the last few days too. So. That's nice. A lot of blips, zaps and twitches with the nervous system. Excellent. None of these are nice.

Today I ventured out a couple of times between - and sometimes during - bouts of abject nausea. I made a shit stab at fixing the leak under my sink. I know what the problem is - the washing machine installers totally bodged the waste pipe fit. Now I have a non standard waste pipe problem to fix. They don't actually make the bits I need. Close. But no cigar. So after trying half a dozen different things - and finally now knowing way too much about waste pipe sizes ( why the fuck they don't make these things fixed on one standard I'll never know ), I think I will have to do some cutting to get it right.

Drove past a burger place I hadn't had a burger from in 15 years. Different times. No dogs. Girlfriend. We used to like burgers from that place. Still going.

My life only seems to be in the rear view mirror.

I then drove past the last place Athena had a sniff around the grass on her last afternoon.

Marvellous.

So many ghosts.

So many sadnesses.

I can feel that it has changed me. I know it has. I have become despair itself. It colours everything I see and do. I have become stuck in a dysfunctional loop. Insane. In that still functional kind of way.

I know this is a common thing. Not the exact shape of my dysfunction. But rather the weird shaped mentalry you pick up as you get older. I know so many people that have it. Or are drifting towards it. I had mulled it over before. The very old people you see. Creaking around. Odd thoughts. Half crazy. They are not a foreign animal. They are us. You. Me. When we get older. This is part of that transformation. For me, the shape of my crazy, my insanity, is this lost to despair, always looking back, no future. Demented.

The physical issues just make sure that I am not going to get out of that hole by a cheery disposition alone.

Goddamn I am so done with life.

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