Mar 29

 A little bit better today. The nausea was absent in the morning. Shocking. But as the morning turned to afternoon, sure enough it turned up, making me feel very ill, enough to make me retreat back to bed. And then I slept some.

The nausea has hovered in a faint way ever since. Nothing too extreme, but also ever present, draining all motivation and capability to do shit. I have had worse. So. I suppose that's a thing. But it is also frustrating at the very least that it incapacitates me.

I will need to chase the GPs next week. It's been a week and a half since I sent them a note asking for an appointment. Radio silence. I honestly wonder what the point of them is anymore. Apparently the GP and hospital service down where my family is is much better. They certainly seem to get appointments quicker and follow ups through the hospital. I wonder if it's more of a problem up my way. Certainly things like mental health services here are notoriously some of the worst in the country. It's very rural, but also has a concentrated urban space, a tight city in a sea of rural. I wonder if the downsides to this are in some cases shockingly shit infrastructure and services. The upsides are you don't get any of the sprawl or hurry you get elsewhere. Eh. Meh. Perhaps I am living in one of those places that is more suited to the well than the ill.

This afternoon pushing my nausea down I attempted to fix my waste pipe situation for the third time. Everytime I try, go get some supplies, I find that none of the bloody pipes fit.

After manually just lining each of them up with each other I have discovered I have no less 4 different pipe sizes going on in the space of around 20cm. Amazing. I have some old standard diameter pipes which I got from the local plumber, which fit absolutely fuck all of my stuff. I have some new standard diameter pipes which the new machine brings in. I have some old smaller standard diameter pipes under the sink. And then finally I don't know what super old school bullshit diameter pipes that hook the washing machine to the main waste line.

I can see why the installer didn't bother and walked away. As incredibly shit as that is.

Any task for me these days is a severe challenge. Doing something DIY is laughably up there. Nevertheless. Today after manually fucking with it, I have cut a few pipes, made them all fit together, and finally sorted out my waste pipe. Ridiculous. Goes from 40mm. To 36mm. To 30 mm ? Back to 36mm. I've had to squeeze it in there because the fitter put an extensible waste pipe in, which, annoyingly has a minimum length which is pretty long. So. Because of the joints I've had to put in shifting it from one bullshit diameter to another ( for the love of god, standardise ! ), it's tight. Hopefully it doesn't force something else out and start leaking as all the joints are compression ones. So. If you fuck with them for a period of time, they will work loose.

The proper fix would have been to remove everything and redo the whole lot of pipeworks. But. I barely have the energy to do what I did, let alone a full replacement. To be fair the full replacement isn't hard to do. But it's hard for my sorry ass. I could have got someone in I suppose, which would have been the smart play. But I didn't. And here we are. 

As is often the case my thoughts touched on my fur babies today. Sad. That they are gone. They are fading from my experience. Every day puts them further away from me. And everything more vague. Occasionally I will stumble over a picture or video of them. And there they are again. I don't know how to deal with any of it. I did start doing some research yesterday in therapists in my area. I am absolutely sure I need one. I am very tentative about going out there and trying it. I know, because of who I am, up in my head, smarter than your average bear, smarter than your average shrink, and because of a lot of what I am about is having all the problems sorted out, I need someone that is top tier smart. It's not a brag. It's not some oh I'm sooo special. It's just a fact. I need someone that can at least kind of half keep up with me. Absolutely ideal that someone would be ahead of me. But honestly I have never found anyone that can do that. Always the other way around. So. I am tentative. Of getting an "idiot". They are not idiots. At all. But. I don't think they would do me any good. They might know their therapist shtick. But so do I. But I have worked out the angles and the answers and done the study and homework. And. Normal people just haven't. Can't.

I guess really. What I am asking for there. Is someone smarter than me. That has stuff figured out in a positive way. And that can turn my dysfunctions around. Even simpler than that. Someone ahead of me who can save me. I know full well however that that is incredibly unlikely. Impossible even. It is, once again, a bit of wishful thinking. Because I think, it's not so much I have the wrong answers, rather that the answers are indeed horribly grim. Life is dark. But. I don't know. Some magical bit of thinking allows you to ignore it. That should be lack of awareness. Innocence. A smaller context. But what do you do when you have a huge context. Know lots of things. As they say. The smarter you get, the less happy you become. So. I need some mythical very smart person who is happy. Ho ho.

That being said. Sometimes it's not about the smarts. But insight. It doesn't have to be ahead of the curve. Just insightful. But honestly. In my experience. They go hand in hand. And the regurgitated groupthink status quo is not going to work for me. Been there, done that, wrote a thesis about its weaknesses, am waiting in the next room for you to catch up.

There is a recurring problem with me. It is difficult to be at the top. It is lonely as fuck. And again, I am not saying this as some kind of humble brag. Oh. So smart. Sooo top tier. Because I honestly don't see it as a boon. Or even some reverse humble brag boon. At this point it's a curse. Would I change it ? Tricky. Probably. Yes. Who I am is tied to where I have got to intellectually. The path you travel. It's not something you can easily unravel and just end up at the same place.

I find it impossible to relate properly - and by that I mean be able to say things and have them relate to me. I can relate to others in their space very well. I have no peers. My therapist friend is probably the closest peer I have. It's good to talk to him about stuff. I have some other smart friends. But. You learn the patterns of people. Of what smart often looks like. How one dimensional it often gets. A horse with one leg. That runs pretty quick. But. Still just the one leg.

But anyway. Whatever. I'm not going to get into it. That's a whole other lecture.

It's also not about not valuing people if they are not smart. I absolutely don't do that. People are, by and large, valuable period. Ok. Maybe not the raging assholes. Although. Even then. They typically are. They are just usually damaged. But I absolutely value people in my life regardless of things like smarts. Just like I don't value people because they can run faster. Or jump higher. Or have beautiful eyes. It's not about that. As cool as some of those things can be. I don't value people for what assets they have. I value people for who they are. As a person. Their unique insight and perspective. And that's another lesson. No matter what someone is. No matter what their perceived societal value, rich or poor, fat or thin, quick or slow, lazy or diligent. What everyone brings to the table is a path they have walked that is like no other. Unique. To them. Truly. And with that, a perspective that no one else has. Not even the smartest person. The richest oligarch.

But anyway. All of that to say. I don't value people based on those kind of things. I really appreciate their lives and unique path. But I think really what I value most of all in people is kindness. Not even necessarily to me. Just kindness in general. Being open. Caring. Gentle. Understanding.

I have wandered off on a tangent.

Change of topic.

When I bought some pipe supplies yesterday. I walked past a lovely dragon tree. I love dragon trees. I have a nice one growing in my kitchen window. This one was a slightly different colour.

So I bought it. On a whim. My kitchen window despite being 2 meters long is packed full of plants. No room for more. But I managed. So a new dragon tree adorns the kitchen. It is lovely. If only life was just about pottering around and finding space for plants. No suffering. No ills. No worries.

I read something today. Poignant. Awful.

"I am in mourning for a life I can no longer get back to. A family I no longer have. A place that no longer exists."

Sigh.

I wish I had never been born.