Mar 3

 My sleep is somewhat normalised. Awake when it's light. Asleep when it's dark. Not sleeping 18 hours a day. So. Better ?

Nausea seems to be a constant issue however. Not as bad as it was. But persistent. If I don't eat. If I do eat. With patches in between where it's ok. It turns me "green". Robs me of motivation of everything except just feeling ill. Ho hum.

Today I got in touch with my niece. I have meant to do so for weeks, but, being ill and everything else just gets in the way. Even when I am feeling a bit better - but not well - the effort to talk to someone is a lot. Because you know you are not at your best. You know that you will just blur. And want to curl up and not feel unwell. So. You wait. And a day never comes.

Nevertheless today I reached out. I have a few things that maybe of use to her or her kids. Some spare computer hardware. It just goes to waste with me, I have many computers and tablets and laptops. So rather she gets to use them.

I offered to buy another bit of kit for her family, just so all her kids get something. But she has flatly refused. Cannot let me spend money. Doesn't expect that. Feels herself to be rude. Very honourable. But. Almost pathologically opposed to having something nice done for her. I get it. This is very much my family. It would seem it runs even stronger in her than it does in me and my siblings. Which makes you ask the question why. She has been made to feel unworthy. And then some. Hardcore unworthy. Very sad.

Nevertheless I have respected her wishes. I told her she would not be rude, and it was fine, but I would respect her decision. I will try to keep my eye out for some spare hardware from work, to finagle around the don't spend money, but also get something for everyone. But we have nothing lying about at the moment.

As afternoon turns to evening I find the nausea has kicked in harder. I don't want to eat. Don't want to move. The bit of energy I had to reach out to my niece is gone. I feel shit. Tired. Sick.

I suppose I need to go back to the docs and tell them the PPIs have not really worked.

Today I have not been suicidal. I have stayed above that line. Can't say I am happy. Or well. Or anything. But. Meh.

Hazel is spending money. She asked me what mattresses I have. She is getting a new one. She hasn't paid me any money in six weeks for her vet bills. I would take a guess her bf has sent her money and she has decided to trouser it rather than pay her debts - hence a spending spree for herself. No surprise, and I knew she would do this. She has a string of creditors after her and a CCJ. She treats her responsibilities as afterthoughts at best, if not things to be entirely ignored, because fuck everyone. Meh. I have at this point written the money off. But I will give it another month and ask her. Maybe I should run a book on the excuse she will give. This is her to a tee. Big on demands. Short on keeping her promises. And she has a very good grasp on cognitive dissonance firewalling, where she can paint herself as the victim and moral authority, whilst generally behaving like an asshole.

She can be a terrible person sometimes.

But as my friend says. If she could keep herself in check, she wouldn't have the diagnosis - or life - that she has. The shoe fits.

I don't regret giving her the money. I did a good thing. For her and Poppy.

But she has betrayed her promise. So. Whilst I wont shut her out. I feel like I now have a very good example for why in future, I wont help her out financially. Because she cannot be trusted to keep her word.

Perhaps I am being mean.

Perhaps I am not being mean enough.