Apr 10

 I have stopped eating any kind of bread product. Or wheat product come to that. And I've felt somewhat better. Half my issues have gone away.

So we're back to that suspicion around bread. Or fibre. Or both. Sometimes it really seems to fuck me up. Other times, I am not sure, but I think I get away with it. Or perhaps its mild and I don't pay attention to it. Not sure. 

The nausea has been on the down low. Still there. But more grumbling than making me feel seriously ill. It waxes and wanes thoughout the day. It definitely starts to pick up if I haven't eaten recently. And eating anything larger than a small meal runs a serious risk of feeling sick and stupidly bloated. But it's not a 100% thing. Sometimes I can get away with it, depending what I eat.

A lot of sudden severe aches and pains this week. They flare within 30 minutes, and can then disappear again within some hours, sometimes they linger for days if not weeks. It isn't muscle pull or exercise stuff. This seems to be some weird trigger, maybe something I am eating, maybe not.

The other day, exhaustion overcoming me, I slumped into a sleep mid afternoon, woke up 90 minutes later, *everything* was screeching in pain. All up my back, legs, arms. And movement took my breath away. And then 3 hours later it slinks away, little sign of its presence. I have no clue.

Sleep has been super janky again the last few days. Always one thing or the other. The nausea comes down a notch, the sleep and super shit whilst sleeping steps up to replace it.

It got a bit too much again this week. On waking up. Standing in the kitchen. Feeling beyond awful. I got tearful. Too much. Too hard. And then I missed Ares. Missed Athena. The wound that never heals. All too much. It combines together to form a very hardcore I don't want to be here vibe. I am plodding along in some fucking permanent torture. For what ? No clue.

Hazel is back home from her stint at her friends. On the day she came back I had a little more energy that day so offered to pick her meds up, pick her up from the station. And she has stayed here for a few days, basically to make the vet visit easier - also this week. That's all been and done, so, in theory she is good to go. For the moment she is staying here. I dare say she will make her way home in the next few days or so.

She's been in pretty good spirits, exhausted, but good. Until today. Today she was in her borderline angry snarl. I kept clear of her. By the evening she had snapped out of it. Came out to chat with me in the kitchen all sweetness and light. The personality switch had flicked over. From Hyde to Jekyll.

I am struggling very hard at the moment to not be a complete fucking health disaster. If it's not my nausea, it's the exhaustion. Or the pains. Or the blips. Or the weird stabbing pains. Or the jangled nerves. And on and on ad nauseum. The ever revolving shit show that never relents.

Today I did all the washing up. Lots of it. Piled up. And then. I cooked a vegetarian shepherds pie from scratch. Which to be very frank. Was me totally taking the piss. And then. I cleaned up a cupboard. Which was very much taking the piss. I had intended - stupidly - to make some pancakes. Again taking the piss. But. Fuck it. I failed. I cleaned the cupboard and slumped badly. Huffing and puffing, screeching. Yeah. Wall hit.

By my standards I got a lot done today.

By normal standards I am doing fuck all. I can barely find the energy to live. That's a high point for me. A bit of cleaning AND cooking myself something. Holy shit. 

I am badly beneath the water line.

Ho hum.

The shepherds pie was yum. I was pleased I had managed to do it. It wasn't easy. I had to do it in 3 blocks of work with a rest in between. And by the final one I was absolutely wiped.

I am tentative about what to eat. Not knowing if it will make me feel worse or not. The shepherds pie is a bit of a reaction to that. Potatoes. Vegetables. No wheat. No grain. Cooked from scratch - no additives, no preservatives, no anti caking bullshit.

It didn't give me an adverse reaction. This rules off a whole bunch of stuff. Onions. Mushrooms. Garlic. Quorn. Butter beans. Green beans. Sweetcorn. Carrots. Bell peppers. Celery. Tomatoes. Potatoes. Milk. Mayo. Butter. Cheese.

This week I also did a very short grocery pickup. And got some gluten free bread again. This is something I have been experimenting with for a year or so. I tried it, bread, to see if I got an adverse reaction. "Bread". I think it's actually pea protein. But. Anyway. The answer is, no, it doesn't seem to give me a bad reaction. Or if it does it's very minor.

Thinking about it I had stopped getting the gluten free bread a few months ago having decided that, eh, it doesn't seem to make much difference, I am eating it, and non gluten free bread and it seems fine. However, since stopping it, I have got worse. Coincidence ? I suspect it's just a coincidence. But it's a hell of a coincidence.

Exhausted today. Struggling. I guess I have done more today than I usually do. But even so. I am so far fucking off normal. Sigh. I absolutely hate that a "good day" for me just means I can fucking cook something. It is pathetic. The other super annoying fucking thing is if I even have a glimmer of energy I can do cool shit. I can cook amazing things. I can sort stuff out. I am. Highly capable. Except. My energy gives out. My legs buckle. It's like the achilles heel. I have figured all this shit out. And then. Having got here. Someone pulls my plug. Big joke. You know how to do shit. But you can't. Like some Greek mythological bullshit. Cassandra. Cursed to know the future perfectly, but have no one believe her. I know how to do shit. But don't have the wellness to complete. Ho. Fucking. Ho.

Tomorrow I have a GP appointment for my nausea et al. It's going to be a random doc. Probably a locum. So I'm going to get the very worst of casual sweep pasts tomorrow. There was no other choice. No appointments.

Hooray.

Sigh.

I still wish for death. I think about it everyday. Today it even seemed like a normal thing to do. Just a turning off of the switch. No big deal. Look. It's not fun anymore. This is a rational decision. Turn it off.

It all seemed very calmly sensible.

The shrinks would be very alarmed.

I am not sure if it is alarming, or, the shrinks are just in a very one sided mindset.

Checked my finances again this week.

Slowly, slowly my money increases. I don't spend shit really. The silver lining of most always being curled in a ball ill. Sometimes I splash out on something unnecessary - always computer related. But these things are once in a blue moon. You don't need an awful lot of computer stuff.

Eh well.

So tired.

I can feel a tonne of bricks lying on top of me. I am fighting hard to resist it. Fuck YOU. It's like swimming in treacle. That pulls you down.

I need to sleep. Again.