Apr 2

 Nausea for most of the day yesterday. I couldn't concentrate on shit. So work went by the wayside. Today is a similar story, less nausea, but feel ill and exhausted. This shit is why I doubt whether I can keep work up. Trying to clear some hours of feeling better in a day to do something like work can be super hard.

Ho hum.

Nephew is not doing great. A continuance. I haven't checked into mental well being charities and the like for him - barely have the energy, and when I have had a little, I've either put it into work, or dropping things off for people. He definitely needs help, and it sucks that I am at such a low ebb that doing that is hard. I am burning out a bit at the moment. Been doing too much. On the other hand. I'm not the only person in the world here that could help him. Why is it just my fucking shoulders it sits on. But this is the way of the world I find. You either do it yourself, or nothing ever gets done. It is one of my frustrations with people. Life. Really it is part of the human condition. If people were highly motivated and organised, well, the world would be a very different place. As it stands, people just get by. This is also one of the reasons why I have burned out multiple times. People, the world, work, will willingly line up to let you do stuff for them until you're ground into dust. Then they move on. They wont help themselves. But will happily drain you dry if it gets them what they need. Evolutionary wise. This is a pretty solid strategy. You can see why it happens that way.

Anyway.

My nephew wants to visit next week with his son. I am flakey again. And the house has suffered. To be brutally honest, I'd really rather he didn't - I am just not well enough. Also particularly as his son is completely off the rails, zero empathy, zero self control, loud, selfish. Sigh. He takes a lot of energy and patience on a good day, let alone on a bad day. And he has fuck all awareness so that he doesn't mind his manners if someone is off. He just prioritises his own needs. I mean. He's a kid. Kids can be assholes. But. Still. He hasn't had any parental direction or correction. And is frankly an ass. Compare and contrast this to my nieces kids who are all very well behaved. It's not luck. The tragedy here is that my great nephew is on the verge of growing up into a young adult, and that's going to be the pattern that sticks for him. He has trouble making any friends, and brushes it off. But. He's pretty toxic. You can see why his peers veer away from him. Damning.

Not my son. Not my responsibility. I don't mean that in a bad way. Just that, this really is outside of my scope. Raising someone elses kids is a whole other responsibility ball game.

This is the awkward part of the relationship with my nephew. He realises that he cannot cope with his kid. And looks for ways to basically hand off his responsibility. I can't teach him. You can. I can't cope with him. Maybe you can. I can't keep up with him. You can.

Which I don't want to do. Can't do. I have no energy for that.

I get that my nephew is desperate. And continually seeking ways to basically offload the pressure he is under. But I aint it. At all.

This is one of those very ugly difficult things where it comes down to you having to address being a better parent yourself. You have to take a grip of what you're doing and be the better person. Of course. The mental space my nephew is in means he is very far from being able to do that. And the obvious answer is that it leaks out instead into pushing responsibility onto others.

You can see how and why people get their kids taken off them.

Ho hum. Difficult. 

Again being brutally honest, I can't say I want to spend time with my great nephew. Particularly not in my ill state. The last interaction I had with him was not good. In fact that whole thing was not good. At christmas a couple of years back. When everyone, and I do mean everyone, was asking me for something, entertain my kid, entertain me, teach me this, do that, manage this. And at no fucking point did anyone ask me what I liked, or thought of me. Fuck me. Am I right. Athena was doing so so, Hazel piled on with the fucking anxiety freak out, I had a loud obnoxious kid completely self absorbed and wanting to play the zombie game, despite any concerns about my mutt, my nephew just sitting there, zoned out, not in control of his kid or anything, poor Athena needing my care, and everyone, just everyone being a massive fucking pain in the ass.

The final straw was when my great nephew was romping about the game I want that, I want this, give that to me, this is mine. In a cooperative game. Behaving like an absolute raging asshole. And happy and oblivious about it. Everyone got killed. And that was enough for me. It was like fighting the whole room and the game and asshole behaviour in a game.

Not fun for me. At all.

So I called an early evening.

And just got. Oh I had hoped to play more. Oh I had hoped to play more. Oh I had hoped to play more.

Say it again. This time it might work.

This is also something my great nephew does. Bargains. Wheedles. Whines. Wont accept no.

My nephew sits there and does zip about it. Out of his depth.

Sigh.

Yeah.

Ranty.

Last few days I have found I am particularly ranty. And frustrated. And angry. At all sorts of things and people in my life. I think I am at that low patience point again.

I just want to withdraw and cut everyone off.

Had enough of people.

I think. I put up with a lot of shit with people. And my nature just tends to roll over. That's ok. That's fine. And then there are some key moments. I don't know. When the patience wears off. And suddenly all that it's ok, it's fine becomes a Major Fucking Problem. Oh why are you upset now ? Because you're being a raging asshole and taking liberties. Yes but that's what I always do, and you're usually ok with it. Yeah. I get it. Probably a facet of my bad boundaries. I should body check people earlier. Rather than letting them get away with being dickheads, and then belatedly calling them on it.

People.

People suck.

In other news.

One of my old board gaming buddies has surfaced to try and coax me into playing a game at some point in the near future. Some old hands have been roused up. So. If I can manage the wellness thing. Massive if. I am gonna try and turn up and play a game. Have a chat.

Still.

At the moment.

Even with lovely people.

I am inclined to avoidance. I don't have a good opinion of humanity right now.

Being very misanthropic. I can't say the thought of the human race exterminating itself makes me sad. I find it to be perfectly just desserts. You reap what you sow. Fuck around and find out. Stupid bloody species.

See.

Grumpy. Ranty.

I think I could probably do with a little TLC.

Fat fucking chance of that.