Apr 20

 Gritted my teeth and managed to get out yesterday. It was not easy. I left the house feeling ill and borderline this is too much, but pushed anyway. And in the end it was fine. No problems. Well. My energy sagged after a few hours, but nothing severely out of whack ( but definitely not normal in a normal person ).

Lunch was great. We had "Afternoon Tea". Except this one was not your usual Afternoon Tea that I have had so many of, this was an experimental Indian Afternoon Tea, and whilst there were some nods to the english version, mostly it was about a range of Indian delicacies, all of which were delicious. Spiced, but not spicy. Vegetarian, no meat. ( The place was also very fancy by the way. It looks to be frank, kind of shit on the outside, despite it being a "historical building", but inside it's lovely ).

The least impressive bit of it was the bits where it hoved back to a Brit standard. The scone and jam was eh ok. They are trialing it. So were looking for feedback. In my humble opinion, I'd kick out the brit bits. Although that being said, the whole "Sweet" tier was iffy for me. But then I am not big on sweet things.

We had a long chat about stuff. Only maybe a quarter of it was heavy, and, as it turns out, he didn't have a lot to say on the subject. On and off with his own CFS stuff. But otherwise not bad.

It was a good afternoon, fun talking to him, we talked a lot about games and game design.

Came home. 10 minutes of being home, sitting down, winding down, felt sick. Full of pains. And blips. Blip. Blip. Dizzy. Fuuuuck. Shit.

What ?

 Is it. The atmosphere ? Is it. Slumping down ? Or is it just the post effects of coming down off a mix of adrenaline and higher heart rate and everything.

We talked a bit about this. I said I had had a couple of really stark examples of pushing up to get a meeting down, and then the minute after finishing and coming offline I would slump hardcore into feeling absolutely terrible. My friend thought it was an adrenaline and cortisol thing, pumping your system up to deal with shit, and when the high chemicals step back down, *everything* is on fire.

Could be.

It could also be one of the ingredients into why I burn out. My underlying health is shit. And yes, sometimes, maybe, I can "step it up", mask all the shit, and do some stuff ( this is when I say I am feeling a bit better ). But make no mistake, doing that is an ultra burn, having to smother the health issues AND step up your game, the fuel burns insanely fast. And when it either runs out, or you switch off the turbo. Collapse happens. And your body needs to heal for hours, days, weeks after. You're grinding metal. And the natural painkillers mask it for a while. But at some point. You have to pay the piper.

It's a theory anyway.

Today I am not feeling too bad all things considered. I am up. And mostly with it.

I did end up consuming quite a bit of ginger yesterday.

Anti inflammatory. Nausea calming.

I had a pot and a half of ginger tea.

I wonder if that helped.

I have some lemon and ginger tea at home that - amongst others - I have trying out for its vibey anti anxiety effects. But the ginger might also be useful.

I am not blind to this.

I had a lemon and ginger tea before I went out yesterday.

Trying to get any advantage I can. So stupid. Having to run life like its an edgy game of poker where you have to get every angle you can. Life. Is not easy for me anymore.

We shall see how long I last today.

I was checking out diets for intestinal distress and nausea et al. Basically it comes down to what I thought. Avoid things with high fiber ( this leans into my whole trigger suspicion with those kinds of foods ), avoid things that are hard to digest - fatty meat, avoid things that are acidic, and in absolute worst case scenario stick to liquids. Try to each starchy carbs. Potatoes. White rice. Some - but not all - veg. Uh huh. Ok. Also some fish is apparently ok. Uh huh. Tuna jacket potato for lunch it is then :p

 Weird aside. Late last night, watching something on Prime, out of the blue a wolf ( dog ) is killed by a person, and they have a bit of a sad dying eyes bonding bit. Yeah. No. Fuck that shit with fire. People are dying left and right. Some horrible things going on. Whatever. The dog dies with sad eyes. Oh no. No no no no. Fuck this shit. Fuck you all. Fuck the person that killed that dog. Burn it all down.

Hmm.

I think I might be "slightly" mental when it comes to hurting dogs ( or animals ). All bets are off. I am uh. Hmm. Not entirely convinced of how sane I would be if you actually did that right in front of me. I guess it would be another of those never had that experience before moments. And I'd probably end up either dead, or in jail. And unrepentant about any of the consequences. Not good. 

This is also why I now avoid watching anything that has a sniff of cruelty towards furry butts. I am aware I am very sensitive to it.