Apr 21

 Yesterday was awful.

I bounced in an out of bed / sleep where I couldn't maintain for longer than a couple of hours at a time before feeling sick. Proper, shitty, can't concentrate, I feel awful, sick.

I tried eating a jacket potato with tuna as planned, and 20 minutes after eating it, I slumped super hard. Brain fog. Sluggish. Headache/migraine. And. Of course. Feeling sick.

It was very bad.

I'd even maybe describe it as an "attack". Not far off of how I feel with a migraine. That bad. Perhaps it was a migraine that just so happened to trigger 20 minutes after eating. If it was, it wasn't like any migraine I've had before. And. To be honest. I really doubt it. The timing after eating was just too spot on.

I limped into the evening, felt a bit better, ate, felt stuffed, sleepy, and just fell asleep in some lesser but similar state to the afternoon.

Today.

I have been so careful. No caffeine. Nothing harsh. Small.

I ate a single yoghurt for breakfast. Seemed. Ok enough. 1 to 2 hours later I ate a small bowl of cornflakes. Lemon ginger tea ( no tea, no caffeine ).

An hour and a bit later I felt sick as all hell.

The worst it has been.

I retreated to bed with a palpable pain and sick feeling in my stomach. Gnawing. Fizzing.

It got worse in bed.

It started cascading into that general failure kind of thing. Everything is going sideways. I groaned and curled up tightly and waited and wanted it just to end. Just. Kill me already.

I tried taking some antacid.

No effect.

I did my best to calm, shift and just head into sleep. I was sleepy and sluggish anyway. Woke up a few times feeling utterly dreadful. And just wanting it to end. Thinking about that knife. All the repercussions. I cursed the fucking shitty state of healthcare that leaves me floundering on my own. And slumped back into a doze.

It is now late afternoon.

I have woken up. I feel fragile. 

I don't know how much longer I can do this. The yo yo between being upright, in bed, upright, in bed. And the screw turns and it gets worse.

Just. I don't know. Keep going. Either it's going to continue deteriorating, and that end point is going to be where I can no longer resist and I am just in bed 24/7, not drinking, not doing anything, and I think at that point the end spiral would be relatively quick, half a week I would guess. Or it lets up, heals a bit, or whatever. Or it's just going to keep me pinned in a twilight state.

I am not sure I will be able to keep up my notes here. When it's bad. I absolutely can't. When it releases its grip a bit, I can.

There is. Very definitely. Periods in there where I can't move. I can't think. I am curled in a ball. Suffering. And that is the entire extent of my world. That's my last period. There is no coming back up for air. Writing a blog. Getting a drink. Nothing.

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