Apr 21.1

 Late evening.

I am beyond tired. It feels like I've been up for 36 hours straight instead of sleeping half the day.

I contemplated not eating anything at all for the rest of the day.

Yes. No. I don't know. Fuck knows.

Hungry. No nausea.

But so gun shy of doing anything.

I ended up having 2 eggs and some chips. As simple as it gets. Egg and chips.

And waited....

An hour later, I felt like I'd eaten a 3 course banquet. But. Livable with. But so weird. Eat a small amount. Feel like you've eaten a pillow. Either this is SIBO doing its worst or its, dun dun darrr, an ulcer or ulcer adjacent. This is not news.

All day, and to be honest for as many days back as I can remember at this point, my head has been... fuzzy. Laggy. Blippy. Full of static electricity. I don't really know what's up with it. I know this is a common state with me since The Problems started, and the blips have always been a thing since I've been on mental meds. But it's persistent at the moment. All the time. No let up. And. I'm not on any meds at the moment. Despite having a bunch prescribed. So meds are not doing this to me.

Hmmm.

I think I might try nibbling on an anti depressant, as that can sometimes calm the blips ( although flip side it increases the leg jitters and spasms ). Not sure. My mood state is definitely variable. A lot of doubt and anxiety, interspersed with feeling ok. Who knows.

I have had an message from the hospital that went to voicemail. It's probably them trying to arrange either a nerve test, or, my surgery. Now I come to think about it, it's probably the former than the latter. They're not going to find shit I don't think. Although that being said, my dead limbs have been significantly worse again this week. Waking up with static in my hands and fingers.

Blip

Bleh. Just finishing this and I blipped hard. Everything jolts a bit, lurches a bit to the side, and that blare of light and audio. 

And again. Blip.

Jesus.

So. These get worse when I am tired. Which perhaps really underscores that, holy crap I feel tired. I don't just feel tired. I am tired. Exhausted.

I can only guess that it's the amount of energy my body is expending trying to keep the ship from sinking. It's certainly not because I am active. I am the opposite of active.

Eh well.

Fucking. Bullshit.

Can I imagine living like this for another 5 years ? 10 years ? Ah ha ha ha ha. At that kind of time count, it really is so obviously ridiculous. No my dude. No way in hell.

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