Apr 22

 I am stretched very thin. Trying to. Just. Be. Vaguely human. And not doing a good job.

Today I managed to work. I was useful. Probably. I don't know. Six hours or so. I fixed two things.

I did it with a headache. I did it whilst feeling sick. Just got on with it.

The zaps are off the charts today. The worst they have ever been. Constant zapping. And. If I move my eyes too fast, I get a zap. And the tinnitus zaps too. Eye move. Zap. If I do it on purpose, for science, it becomes too much. If I keep moving my eyes, within 5 seconds, it's too too much. I have to stop.

Today after waking up, slow, I ate a yoghurt. Water. 1.5 hours later. I felt sick.

It is early evening now.

I had to try to sleep right after work because the zaps were so bad. They followed me into lying down and sleep. I couldn't really sleep because of them. It was bad.

I have dozed for a couple of hours. It felt like 10 minutes.

My eyes feel "wrinkly" and sandy and exhausted. I am plagued by zaps.

IT has got on top of me a couple of times today. Where I can't deal with it. I curl into a ball. I wish I had help. I wouldn't even know how to communicate it all.

I have dragged myself upright. Tinnitus squealing. I am going go try and. I don't know. Repeat some normal pattern. In an attempt to make something work better. Feel better. I am drowning. I am going to make a cup of tea. HAve a shower. I don't know. What can I do. Try to sleep again?

I try to do a few "normal" things. Read some internet. Comment on a post. It feels. So weird. Like a pretence. Masking. Hardcore. More than that. Wanting shit to just be normal. Let's just.. ignore what's going on. Maybe it will go away by itself.

I remind myself. Endings are often not pretty. Endings can be long, drawn out, loss of faculties, normalcy. It's how it works. Few get to just pop off peacefully. You know how this works.

Everything is stretched. 

I dont know.

curious. the way it plays out. I could not have predicted it.

I need to sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I am sorry.

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