Apr 25

 Nausea and bad headaches ( + migraines ? ) are the order of everyday. Plus all the rest of the usual bullshit.

The zaps have reduced to a very low state - almost certainly because I nibbled a mental med on a couple of days and I've been sleeping a lot more. So that's a plus.

I've taken aspirin a few days which has absolutely helped massively after taking them, despite this being  for me one of those choose the lesser evil problems because it exacerbates gout, which at the moment is barely under control, I have a lot of gout winces in my feet at the moment, but not - yet - at a critical level . My headaches tend to dissipiate quickly with a bit of a caffeine boost to help the aspirin. The problem is the prevalence of them and that dance between can I just suffer with this, or should I take something. Because I have so much shit going on that yes, taking something helps, but then it locks me into a torrent of meds and that then causes other issues. Such is modern meds. Get a snake to help your mouse problem. You now have a snake problem ( and probably mice too ). Anyway. My head is suffering a lot. I have a headache of some kind for most of the day at the moment. The intensity comes and goes.

I've also got into a habit of eating a yoghurt for breakfast, and when I remember taking doses of probiotics at other times ( legit ones, that have been scientifically properly tested, one of about 3 in all the thousands that actually do something ). I know that this regime can take the edge off of SIBO problems and is recommended in the first instance of treatment and that long term can start to turn the ship, but it very much a low and slow approach which may not work ( hence previously I had the doubly whammy anti biotics ). I think this regime is very slowly starting to pay off however. Well. That and being very careful about the things I eat. Potatoes are popular at the moment. They seem to go easier for me.

I haven't had too bad of a recurrence of the groggy zombie, pressure sleepiness after eating in the last 48 hours, which is also a relief. I do get touches of it, but it's within relatively normal ranges. I think this is again down to what I am eating, when I am eating it, and how much of it I am eating.

I am overall super fragile. But I have made a tiny bit of progress in the right direction. As these things go it could disappear in the blink of an eye or, very slowly even out into a better period.

I can't do a lot. Everything is too much. This is both physical and mental. My mentals are definitely suffering from that kicked dog trauma kind of reaction. Gun shy. Defensive. Flinching. Hum ho. Sure signs I am being beaten up.

Today I need to get my ass out and pick up some meds that have been sitting at the pharmacy for 2 weeks. Getting a breathing space is tricky. I should have. Could have. Picked them up when I went out for lunch with a friend - my only spot of actually getting out and functioning in the otherwise desert of bullshit - but it completely slipped my mind.

Today, so far, I am relatively stable. The nausea is... low. Grumbling. There. But. Manageable. But you can feel it pondering whether to kick off or not.

I am stuck between wondering what I can get away with, do I push a little and be a little active, or be totally defensive and just hardcore rest.

A strategy like "do it and see how you feel" does not work for me. That very normal signalling doesn't work in me anymore. If I do that, by the time I don't feel great, it's way way wayyyyy too late. You're fucked buddy. You almost just need to take a guess before that point. It is impossible. Like trying to figure your life out directed by a roulette wheel.

So I am not sure. That little tickle when I am feeling even a mite better, to lets go, do stuff, get out, get something nice to eat etc is a push. Made all the worse because you don't have it when you're not capable. But it is almost always a trap. It's a total mindfuck. If it is indeed like trying to figure out your life directed by a roulette wheel, then the devil is spinning the ball and urging you to always gamble, it will be fine, you've got this.

So.

I might have my doubts. I daresay others have massive doubts.

But this is all about my physical health.

Nothing less, nothing more.

Last evening I crested into an hour of feeling not merely passable, but feeling good. The pains dialled down. The nausea went away. No headache. No exhaustion. You know. What a normal fucking person has.

And my mood and capabilities bounce high. LETS GO.

I cannot express the absolute enormous difference it makes. It is literally like night and day. Those very rare moments. Once in an absolute blue moon. When few if any of the shit signals are on. And I can just be human again. My god. Everything comes alive.

It also serves as a dramatic example of how much suffering I am under and how much it eliminates my capabilities. It also starts to pencil in what it is, and what it isn't. How much bullshit diagnoses you can ignore.

It's hard.

And ultimately I have to go through it alone. I do my best to communicate what I am going through to those who really want to know. But I know that it's hard to understand. And worse. People can just ignore you. Doubt you. Trivialise you. Patronise you.

You have to deal with your shit and you have to deal with the usual range of negative aspects of human character along with it. Which makes it much harder. And you prone to masking harder. Why bother having a conversation with someone when you will often get ignorance at best, and hostility at worst. Yes. Please. Give me more battles to fight. Because I'm really short on battles and have lots of energy to tackle some interpersonal bullshit that originates from you being a dumb ass. Wonderful.

But I do get it. I don't really blame people for it. I know this is how people are. We hairless monkeys are not a great lot. It's no wonder dogs typically get such a good rap. We don't set a super high bar.