Apr 6

 Nausea and gastro problems are all over the shop. Hard to find a rhyme or reason. If I eat something then 20 minutes later I can get supppperrr sleepy. And I mean brain fog, hardcore slumping out sleepy. Not because I am stuffing my face on something carb heavy. It can be very light. A piece of toast. And it will knock me out. And make me feel sick.

Other times I can eat something - wait for the hammer to drop - and it passes by.

Some times I am not eating and I can just feel sick. If I sit up too long I can feel sick. Just background in a day. Sick.

If I lie down sometimes it helps.

I don't know.

It's an absolute shit show, the worst it has ever been.

Eating light, sometimes I can go through a period of a few hours where I don't feel too bad. And I immediately doubt myself. See. You're ok. All done. No problem. Then eat. And 30 minutes later be like, oh, yes, yesss, fuck me, this is horrible, something is very seriously wrong.

Eh.

My fucky brain.

It doesn't seem to like acknowledging how ill I get. I think. It's wishful thinking. Just. Forget it. Never happened. Everything is normal, nothing to worry about, see ?

Ho hum.

This week I have two appointments. One to see the neurologist at the hospital on Tuesday for what... I am not sure. Having thought about it, I suspect its a very very long referral for my fucky face, jangly nerves et al. And the second appointment is on... Friday. To talk about the nausea and stomach problems.

And of course, work. Work was pressing a bit last week, but I managed to do very little because I felt so ill I couldn't concentrate on shit.

We shall see how this week goes.

But again, the knowledge that I should quit, should have already quit, lies heavy on me. Ho hum. Stick with it. Each week I manage is another week being paid. Is one less week I have to worry about financially.

My nephew also wanted to visit this week depending how I felt. Well. I feel shit. So. That's going to be a no.

This evening, making ready for bed. I was happy. At the thought of getting to sleep. Of being able to escape it all. Oblivion. I reflected that one of the things that makes me hesitate about suicide is the whole social stigma about it, consequences et al. Freed from all those things - lets just to sleep. I am relieved, happy, calm, about just noping the fuck out of there. Not wanting to be aware. Awake. Involved. Just. Switch me off.

It's overwhelmingly obvious.

I wonder if we will ever get to the point where such things can be decided without any recrimination or hurt or problem. In a perfect world I think it would do a lot of good. To just be able to choose without any blowback not to wake up ever again. Somehow I doubt it we will ever get to such a point. If for no greater reason than legalising euthanasia immediately opens the whole thing to abuse. And not just personal abuse. But abuse from all angles. The state. People would become too difficult, too expensive, too inconvenient to keep living. And would be ushered off to death. To keep costs down. And make some rich person even richer through lower taxes. Or some shit. It would absolutely 100% work out this way. It already does - the rich live at the expense of the poor, sometimes in life or death situations ( see the US healthcare system for one thing ). Euthanasia would just shorten that path.

So whilst I can see euthanasia may or may not be legalised. Whatever happens. It will do little good. Either restricted on the one hand, meaning people are forced to suffer through horrors just for some idealised bullshit that life is precious. And on the other hand, shuffling people off would become part of the bottom line. A row on a spreadsheet. A calculation of finance and inconvenience. And society would become a lot meaner, a lot more murderous and a lot more callous. As the saying goes, a society is measured by how it cares for its elderly citizens.

I cannot forsee a time where humanity as a whole could ever be trusted with that amount of responsibility without taking advantage of it. We are, in the end, too shitty, too immoral to be allowed such power.

We are our worst enemies. We are our own just desserts. We cannot do better. So we suffer.

I understand what they mean when some label this place hell. Or as Shakespeare put it, Hell is empty and all the devils are here.