May 24

 Predictably, going out for groceries yesterday was a draining excercise.

I took my time. Don't rush it. Heh. There's a weird thing, if, sometimes, I *really* take my time about something, I move about like I'm doing some form of yoga, it helps a little. Sometimes I even mutter to myself whilst doing it. Slow down. Take it easy. Move slow and deliberate.

Ho hum.

Anyway. Doing the shopping was ok. 20 minutes in my bell started to ring. I could feel it. Tapping me on the shoulder. Hey. HEY. You're starting to bottom out. Whatever it is you're doing. Finish. Ok. Ok ok. Let's go.

So. I stopped. I had some aisles to go. But. Be mindful. So I finished up got to the car, and yeah, ok, slump. We're ok. But yeah.

Got home, put the shopping away, ate the "lunch" I bought at the supermarket. And then slumped into sleep. Of course. But. Really. That's a better segment for me there. Anytime I can shop AND put the shopping away AND not immediately slump is some high performance shit for me. But. You are operating on low energy.

So I worked it out yesterday. Just going on a 24 hour period midnight to midnight dealio. Despite sleeping around 14 hours in that period. By the time I got to the end of the evening - around 10.30pm, I was super tired. Of course I ignored this and just pushed and I ended up sleeping at gone midnight or therearoubts. Thats 14 hours in a 24 hour period. And. It's not even as if I jump up and run around the house for the other 10 hours of that day. Oh no no no. You can say if you are being very generous, that I spent 2 hours actually doing stuff. Going out. Groceries. The other 8 hours is resting. Reading. Dozing.

And yet. Tired as hell.

And this. Is a good day.

Ah ha ha.

Uh huh.

Still. My good days. At least. I am not locked into bed. Others have it worse than me. They never get out of bed. Ever.

Anyway. 

Other than that. Mixed day. 

I am very reticent about sharing shit or talking about my shit with people. Or my family. Because I believe that it's just miserable. And negative. And I don't want to burden people. And always going on about it must be tiresome. So. I don't. At all. Here. On my journal. I talk to myself. I get to vent into the ether. But anyway. Yesterday I shared that video of the physics girl to my family. Said that this is the kind of thing I go through, and that they cover in a way far better than I can ever explain. I am obviously not as bad as her. But. The things in that are me.

I get extremely uneasy sharing that shit. I doubt myself. I want to take it back. But my family were lovely about it. Which. I didn't really expect to be honest. But they were nice. I think all of us are getting better at... eh.. being a bit more normal. Healing the shit we grew up with. Its a long and slow process. But eh.

I also shared it with a friend who asks how I am doing, but, that was a different experience. They were indifferent. In fact. Pointedly mean about it. Dismissive. Eh. Not great. They've been having a bit of a downward turn at this point for many months. More negative. More. Mercenary. More arrogant. But I'm not going to go far down that path. Suffice to say. I think they may have slowly slid out of my friends list. Shit happens. People change. 

I'm human. So. Yeah. I get dinged when I get a bad experience from someone. I had to brush myself off somewhat. Pick myself up. Ok. We won't be doing that again. And move on.

I'd rather not deal with that shit on top of all the other shit, but that's life. And everyone has that. Although. It's easier to deal with that shit when you have lots of credit in the rest of life is going ok bank. Like everything. Anything is harder to deal with when you're also dealing with everything else being on fire. 

I tend to find people miss this a lot, unless they are used to looking for it, or are a mindful person. People fail to take note of the pressure people are under, what else they are dealing with that is not immediately obvious. It's a no brainer to take someones behaviour or whatever else at face value. Asshole behaviour. Insensitive. Selfish. Thoughtless. Or even the reverse. Over bright. Over clingy. Or just neutral. Switched off. Zoned out. You can immediately judge someone for that. But. Just about always. It's the tip of the iceberg. Why are they like that right now. And usually. It's something else. All you're seeing is the lack of capacity to be present. Their whole focus is on something else. Some worry. Some other problem. Some fear.

Which is not to defend any action. But you understand. And then can maybe empathise. Or forgive. It's that delineation. Also often hard for people to grasp. Understanding does not mean condoning. I've had people be very angry at me just because I understand a situation, and therefore oh I must be defending them and condoning them. No. But. People don't want to hear about it. They want people to get on the rage train with them and burn people down. No understanding. Just hate. Which is a very human trait. But eh. My point always is, if you don't understand something, how on earth do you know how to properly react to it, or guard against it in future, or help, or hinder, or whatever. No matter what you plan is, understanding something is essential ! Understanding of anything is key to making better decisions. Otherwise you're just lunging off in some emotion fuelled knee jerk idiocy. ( I don't say that latter bit to people ! Only the understanding is key to making better decisions ). 

You also run into the, well, ok, sure, but, they're still an asshole, why are they an asshole.

Then it comes down to a bit of self context. Point them to some event in life where they had their hands full. How does it feel to deal with something frustrating, or even just run of the mill when you are on your way to deal with an emergency. Something that is awful for you. You don't make perfect calls. You aren't socially nice, or mindful.

It's that.

People have good days, bad days. Weeks. Months. Years.

Anyway.

Whatever.

 I am not pushing my luck today. I feel similar to yesterday, a tiny bit of energy and stability. About enough to be blown away by any passing breeze. So. Don't move ! Don't do anything ! Stay still ! Hold it ! Don't scare it away !

Ha.

Jesus. 

Same deal as yesterday. Make a choice. Roll the dice. Doing nothing can be as bad as doing something somedays. But typically not.

Whatever fuckhead. Make your choice.

Sigh.

My inner critic has been particularly mean lately. Dunno why. A real asshole. I actually stopped at some point yesterday and had a "conversation" with it. Ok. This is not helpful. Why are you being like this. It's not helping. You're bringing everything down and making it worse. Stop with the fucking negativity. You are also in this boat dickhead. So stop it.

Heh.

Like telling off a sulky teen.