Bork Slowly Borking

I'd like to make a statement about Peter Kyle, the Tech secretary. And before we get into it. Yes I realise the online safety act was initially sorted through by the previous government, but, it's still this government, and Peter Kyle that have seen it through and are defending it. My background is of course tech. Currently in my 4th decade of slaving away at the feet of the machines from lowly developer to the heights of chief know-wots. Mr Kyle is currently defending the new online safety act for the UK, using verbiage such as, if you're against it, you are siding with Jimmy Saville. A direct quote. Let's examine Mr Kyles technical background. He 1) left school without any qualifications whatsoever 2) took 3 times trying to get into Uni whereupon he studied Geography 3) He then spent the years working in aid, charities and so on, none of which even slightly relate to tech. Technically Mr Kyle has zero, and I do mean absolutely zero, knowledge, experience or even the s...

 Super not feeling it today. That crazy CFS static vibe where everything feels off by half a degree, ill in a number of different subtle ways, just crashing together to make you overall feel like you're balanced on a knife edge of keeling over. Disharmony. But also super down today. I think I need vitamins, anti depressants and food. Not necessarily in that order. My nerves have been zinging again.  I debated not going to therapy. Just. Staying curled up in a ball. I dragged myself out. Parked the car. Sat half in and half out of the car for a minute. Waiting for the static to subside a bit. The glimmer of energy to rise. Walked very slowly to the office. I was not in any way shape or form fit to be in a shrinks office. But, there is a small benefit to that. They get to see me when some of the lights aren't working properly. The shrink wanted to continue the talk about the "disruption". Ok. Personally. I was kind of done with it. I had maybe one thing to say and the r...

Low day all round. Mood matching my energy level. I am questioning a lot of the way I think, what I do, engagement with the world at large. I'm questioning whether any of it makes any kind of difference. Above just the random noise. Just more noise. Perhaps I just need to retreat and let time pass. The friend I have who works in charity has in the past related many of his experiences day to day with dealing with challenging stuff. It's not arguable that he puts his all into his work, sacrificing most of what anyone would consider stability in his life for this work. And his work matters. It can make a difference. But there are times when it perhaps make a difference but it gets thrown back in his face. In fact, I'd say, getting it thrown back in his face is if not common, then definitely part of the experience. It can be very hard to deal with. There are times when he has become so disillusioned with it that he questions what he's even doing. This is the other half of t...

 "Ask me again 2 hours later" I noted yesterday. Yeah. Yesterday was not better.  It was better for a short while. And then it got worse. Way worse. That, oh I need to go back to sleep was the start of a dramatic slide down at the end of yesterdays blog. Yesterdays blog caught the tipping point of change from one state to the next. Yesterday was, from the weeks perspective, my worst day yet. A complete write off. No games. No TV. No activity. No food. Barely a drink. A visit to the bathroom twice. And a whole lot of suffering. Nausea. A headache that slowly shifted into a migraine. Exhaustion that no amount of sleep could fill up. I had to sleep. And sleep. And sleep. Each blip of wakefulness coming into a state of suffering. I tried at one point seeing if shaking it off, sitting upright, sipping some water made it better. No. Worse. Increasingly worse. Ok. Fuck. Sleep. Misery. So. That's my fault. I pushed it yesterday when I already knew I didn't feel good. I was fr...

 Total shitshow at the moment. Exhausted. But yesterday evening I was a) just alive enough to push myself to play a game and b) in a surly enough mood to be utterly fed up of having to sleep all the time that I was just going to stubbornly do what I wanted anyway. With obvious variable results. I absolutely pushed too hard, played a lot of game. And made myself feel very bad. Ah ha ha. I don't regret it however. I will put up with feeling bad. At least. At the moment. So far. Ask me again in 2 hours. Welcome to Johnny Imperfectly Navigates The Bullshit of CFS. And yes. Bang and bust cycles are what the CFS guys specifically tell you not to do. It's easy to do when you aren't aware of it. However. I am now keenly aware of it. And sometimes I still do that anyway. Because. Otherwise. You can kind of get stuck in a place of never doing anything ever. Bang. Bust. Grind your teeth. ( although also in my defence, a lot of the time you have absolutely zero information about a) how...

 It shouldn't be a shock at this point. Yesterday was a wipe out. Despite being adamant I would finish a bit of work off. I couldn't do it. I flaked out hard. I perhaps managed one line of code. And I was so tired. Later, I wanted to play a game. I couldn't. I just didn't have the energy. To sit upright. At the computer. And play a game. It felt like trying to push a boulder uphill. Instead. The gaming computer sat on all night by itself. The sad mark of a failed wish. I did manage to have a chat with a friend. They were keen to know how my shrink session went. They compared it to a compelling weekly show. On this weeks show we get to find out how the shrink reacted they said with amusement. They were particularly delighted when I told them I had quoted them a few times to the shrink. Uh huh. But apart from that I didn't do shit. Ok. How about. Watching some TV ? I couldn't even do that. I would watch a bit, flake out. Wake up 40 minutes later feeling bad. Tired...

 Therapy day yesterday. I have wandered off on so many tangents this post, I've decided to mark the waffle. So it's skippable.  When I had met up with Hazel some days prior, and gone over some of the Not Great things the shrink had got up to, I got the entirely predictable Hazel response. Anger. If there's going to be a response you can set your watch to with Hazel, it's going to be be protective anger. Regardless of appropriateness. She laid into the shrink and listed the many ways that Wasn't What A Shrink Should Do. They Are Shit. etc.  Skippable Content Waffle - Click me [SKIPPABLE TANGENT]  Like the echo of the challenges she faces however, she always lays in 150%. Stretches the thing to some untenable level, with also some collateral damage - you also end up getting winged in the crossfire. I had been having problems with the shrink all the time. None of it was working out. Shrink is a hot mess. etc. This is patently untrue. I ended up having to defen...

 I deleted one of the days posts from the blog. It sat uneasily with me. A bit of self loathing if I am honest. There are parts of me that I am not entirely comfortable with, as hilarious as that is. Whilst I do think I have a good grip on who I am, and where I am. The wrestle with the inner critic is real. And sometimes. That inner critic wins out. Who do you think you are. Asshole. Hmm. Anywho. Yesterday I paid a visit to Hazel, and just on a whim, we went out for a burger, despite it being a disgusting temperature. During the course of chit chat I did gently let drop that I had been keeping half an eye on her. Tracking which days she would be on her own. From a Poppy point of view. So far. She has been busy the whole time. And had company from friends, family, boyfriend. And in those slack gaps where she has been on her own I have sometimes just one sentenced poked her each day. Or. Decided we should go do something. So yesterday was one of those days. Her boyfriend left end of ...