Jul 24

 Total shitshow at the moment.

Exhausted.

But yesterday evening I was a) just alive enough to push myself to play a game and b) in a surly enough mood to be utterly fed up of having to sleep all the time that I was just going to stubbornly do what I wanted anyway.

With obvious variable results.

I absolutely pushed too hard, played a lot of game. And made myself feel very bad.

Ah ha ha.

I don't regret it however. I will put up with feeling bad. At least. At the moment. So far. Ask me again in 2 hours.

Welcome to Johnny Imperfectly Navigates The Bullshit of CFS. And yes. Bang and bust cycles are what the CFS guys specifically tell you not to do. It's easy to do when you aren't aware of it. However. I am now keenly aware of it. And sometimes I still do that anyway. Because. Otherwise. You can kind of get stuck in a place of never doing anything ever. Bang. Bust. Grind your teeth. ( although also in my defence, a lot of the time you have absolutely zero information about a) how tired are you really and b) what do you reckon task X will take out of you, and no, the answer of, well that seems like a really low energy thing is in no way an indication of what it actually ends up for you, even if, everyone else can do that easily. It's like playing blind chess. In the dark. And your opponent isn't even playing chess anyway, they're playing battleships. And if you try to copy someone elses moves, you find they are playing a third entirely different game. It's a bit like one of those weird anxiety dreams where everything is always slipping out of your grasp, and bizarrely, you seem to have no clothes on in a public space. WHY IS NOTHING WORKING ! ARRRGGGG )

Anyway.

I feel a bit more energised today. Again. Very predictable. Monday blow out. Terrible Tuesday. Smidge better Wednesday. A little better Thursday. Almost like - gasp - it takes me multiple days to recharge. Also. Note the timing pattern with regards to work. My work days of Tuesday and Wednesday end up carpet bombed. Which "annoyingly" Hazel had made the point of on Monday when she said therapy on Mondays was Not Good as it made work difficult to concentrate on, do anything etc. Uh huh. Yes yes. Yes. It's not like I don't see it, I'd just rather it didn't work like that. Frustration at the thing. And a reluctance to change it, even though, it is something of an issue. Then again. The overall issue is, you have X amount of energy, and not enough to cover anything close to what is required to fulfill all your obligations. Choose. This is also tricky as a) I absolutely abhor schedules and making plans b) I will always overfill my cup of obligations to people, things as I am helpful and c) won't explicitly include or exclude things but end up trying and failing to do it all and then implicitly excluding things ( the difference between saying, sorry I cannot do this this week, and ah shit, I've run out of time and didn't get round to this this week ). This is a bit of CFS meets my fucking ( probably neurodivergent behaviour ) brain. The "interesting" shape of my brain here is not doing me any favours in that regard with coping with CFS.

Ugh.

I am doing a "bit" better today. But. Yeah. Halfway through writing this a big old exhaustion tug rolls over me which makes me groan out loud. A headache forms. I feel so tired. 

Hmm. I was going to cover something else today. About dogs. But. I think I've just run out of energy. So. I will wrap it up.

And go back to sleep.

It is for the record. The afternoon.

Exhaustion doesn't care what time of day it is. There will be no recognised schedule of only feeling tired in the evening. Thank you. Deal with it idiot.

Thanks inner critic. High five.