Jul 28

 Super not feeling it today. That crazy CFS static vibe where everything feels off by half a degree, ill in a number of different subtle ways, just crashing together to make you overall feel like you're balanced on a knife edge of keeling over. Disharmony.

But also super down today.

I think I need vitamins, anti depressants and food. Not necessarily in that order. My nerves have been zinging again. 

I debated not going to therapy. Just. Staying curled up in a ball.

I dragged myself out. Parked the car. Sat half in and half out of the car for a minute. Waiting for the static to subside a bit. The glimmer of energy to rise. Walked very slowly to the office.

I was not in any way shape or form fit to be in a shrinks office. But, there is a small benefit to that. They get to see me when some of the lights aren't working properly.

The shrink wanted to continue the talk about the "disruption". Ok. Personally. I was kind of done with it. I had maybe one thing to say and the rest I couldn't be arsed with. But even that one thing - you ignored me - I wasn't even sure of bothering with that.

But the shrink wanted to talk about it. They had unfinished business.

I said that before we started that I was just not..... and I let that trail off. Just not. I said. If you want to be analytical, then I am depressed. Flat. To a critical level. A tipping point where I am aware this is dangerous territory and I need to do something about it.

Ok they said. I definitely want to talk about that. That sounds important.

Yeah I said. Probably.

Probably they echoed back with a half smile.

They said they had been thinking more about the "disruption" and had some things to say if that was ok, after I had said what I had to say. Go ahead I said. Talk more. I didn't want to talk. And for once, they seemed to want to take the lead.

So they just said their bit.

They apologised. An outright apology. They still couched the terms a fair bit. Not the best therapeutic step. Better approaches. Etc. Just shy of yeah, I was defensive, evasive and then tried to gaslight you. That's harsher than it was. It's also not inaccurate either.

But they said they realised they had handled it badly. They didn't say fuck up. But. That was the gist. And then the unequivocal apology. I apologise for that.

So after the outright apology they asked how that made me feel.

It didn't make me feel anything.

If you want me to be honest. It doesn't connect with me I Said. Just goes over my head. 

I said I had foreseen it a couple of weeks ago, already played out how that would go. I voiced a bit of exasperation with myself. Some self loathing. That I had predicted we would be here. This would be happen. I sarcastically applauded myself for being oh so smart.

I said I had framed it two weeks ago. That I Thought I deserved an apology. But not for the sake of the apology. But because of what it represented in you - the shrink. A sign of self awareness. The bit about me. Didn't matter. Because. I don't matter. No self worth. The important bit. Was that you could self reflect.

And you did. And have.

I said that I thought last week was good. That they had for want of a better way of putting it, had a very mature way of dealing with it. The most mature reaction I have seen in anyone in fact. People tend not to deal very well when pressed to be defensive, evasive, and then get sulky about it. You're guarateed a bad time. It doesn't matter if they're wrong. The facts are against them. The emotion is one of discomfort, unease, fear, protective, anger. When people get caught out. They often get angry. In some form or another. Right or wrong doesn't come into it. It's the immature tantrum. And that's not a knock per se. This is the human condition. No matter what level of adulthood. That lurking sulky 8 year old can often be found lurking in the background. It's part of being human. Personally I find it endlessly tiresome. I accept it. And don't judge people for it. But I do find it exhausting.

And they had shown they had the werewithal to reflect on themselves. So. Good.

I apologised. And said this was brutal. And I was in effect taking the shrink apart piece by piece. A close examination of the truth.

But they said I didn't need to apologise. And they wanted the truth.

So. Uh huh.

Somehow we meandered into general approach of people. I said I was very aware that people have good days and bad days. I did mention the shrink didn't listen to me on that bad session, but that was, in my experience of them, unusual. Atypical. Which again, lead me to some nudging there that perhaps they hadn't had the best week. Or day. Or whatever it was.

We went over the expectations of professionals again. My expectation of a shrink was not to do the defensive bit. That was what a non shrink relationship was like. Would I have to be careful what I said to them etc. No, the shrink said, you don't have to be careful with what you say to me. I agree. But. For that week there. It certainly seemed like I needed to.

But I said I understand that therapists also happen to be human. Not a robot. So. That's going to be difficult.

The shrink seemed to very much appreciate this acknowledgement.

I said it was going to lead you to some of those very difficult human spaces where you have to balance one thing against another, and, wow, that sounds very tricky to do in practice, welcome to trying to live as a human.

The shrink agreed. With some vigour. I guess. If you want to call it that way. The shrink got a bit of "being seen" from me. I see you. I understand that's hard.

I mentioned Hazel. That she had wanted to point out her being angry at the shrink was not because she was "mental", but because she had a lot of experiences with shrinks. I smiled. And related to the shrink that I had said that I didn't think anyone was thinking that, but I would mention it anyway.

We talked some about Hazel then. And in general about borderline. I mentioned Hazel had had some bad experiences with shrinks, and that I was unimpressed that a qualified shrink could effectively get into a knife fight down a dark alley with a borderline. Like. Yes. That can easily happen with borderlines. Do you not know what you're doing ? I found that frustrating. And of course it's devastating to Hazel who far from getting any therapeutic benefit just gets to repeat old bad patterns - and gains another layer of distrust.

The shrink said that dealing with borderline personalities was very difficult and not everyone had the skills to deal with it.

I was slightly incredulous.

If I can do it, ish, just about, I said, surely they can do it. 

We talked some about my relationship with Hazel. Complicated. You could write a case study on it I said. On the one hand was the abusive end of the spectrum. Out right abuse. On the other hand. She was the best person to talk to about mental health stuff hands down. Not even close. She knew her apples. Someone you didn't have to argue the toss with about anxiety. Or depression. Or anything. She got it. There were no pointless moments of education, no you can't just "get over it", no just "cheering up" doesn't fucking work etc. And also, of all the people I knew had dropped her life on more than one occasion to live with me for months at a time to look after my dogs when I was ill. But complicated.

The shrink thought the relationship sounded important. And that what I got from it was some kind of emotional mental health need. Which is true. There are parts of me that can relax, not mask up, just be me around Hazel. I don't have to pretend. But the shrink acknowledged how challenging it was. And complicated and far from straight forward. Yeah. It's the nature of borderline.

We talked a little about alienation. Which was basically what it came down to. I explained how I imagined it. Like a path. Each point in the path you choose, left, right, forwards. And if you keep taking the right hand path. You end up drifting away from the "mainstream" path. This is whenever someone picks a choice that isn't exactly normal. Someone wants tattoos ( minor, but not mainstream... ish.. these days... its practically mainstream ). Someone chooses to live in a commune. A yurt. Eschew money. Sex before marriage. Sex after marriage. Whatever it is. 

And people more on the fringe of things end up wandering further and further away from the center. And they end up with very different perspectives of something.

I said a long time ago I used to explain it with boxes. Boxes within boxes. People live in their box. They can't see the walls of the box. But it's the box they live in. Limits they have. Mental ones. Education ones. They cannot understand or see things beyond their box. And you can be in a bigger box outside their box. You can see them. And also see their box where they cannot. But you too are also in a box. And you can step into bigger and bigger boxes. And as you do you get further away from the person.

I said this was basically context circles. Your context expands. Or multi layered platos caves. Each cave being within another cave. It is understanding. Education. Intelligence. Bigger and bigger pictures.

But.

I said.

You get further away from that center. And it becomes harder and harder to relate back to that center.

I said in a way it was like losing your humanity drip by drip.

I said a long time ago I used to frame it by saying I was in orbit. Everyone lived on the surface of earth, I lived in orbit. In an ever increasingly wide orbit.

The shrink then said, Dr Manhattan.

Yes ! Oh god yes.

They said you sound like Dr Manhattan. Where he floats away. He starts having trouble relating to people and their "tangle of lives". And he can meet them. But they cant meet him.

Yes.

I said when I had read Watchmen and Dr Manhattans reaction I felt it hard. I felt that alienation in my bones.

I said that all our stories, all our myths, all our creatures and demons are just us, writing stories about us. And that Dr Manhattan was just that feeling given character.

The shrink agreed, that the author had clearly felt that alienation.

Yeah I said. Alan Moore. Who is someone who very definitely always chose the right hand branch. And is someone very very far away from mainstream. They call him some wild wizard. And I think you can see, that bit of Dr Manhattan is him expressing his alienation with the rest of humanity. He is so far out there, that he is lost to the stars. 

I said I could chameleon down to whatever level. Mask to what was needed. To meet people where they were. But sometimes it got harder and harder. Harder to see the enjoyment in the things people did. The new washing machine they bought. Empty. Meaningless. Lost that part of your humanity.

The shrink then said. You can meet people at their level. But they can't meet you at your level.

Yes.

All of that sounds very lonely the shrink said.

Oh no.

Very sad.

Ouch.

Yes.

The shrink saw that one hurt a lot.

I said it was very lonely. Nine times out of ten I could ignore it. Didn't matter. But one time in ten. Oof. That crushing loneliness was awful. I am on my own.

I said I thought it was also a problem of peers. Who can you talk to ? No one is in my peer group. I said the problem with being at the top of the mountain is the air is very rarified up there. No one's up there.

The shrink asked if I had ever been able to find peers or close to them.

Twice I said. And one I currently know. But even then. You can see them hit their glass ceiling. You have to explain something. Then explain it again. And again. And they can't get past it. They have reached their limit.

I said it was a complicated thing. It encompassed many things about a person. In the past I had called it a "spark". And I was always watchful for that spark in people. It was incredibly rare. It varied in strength. But a strong spark was impossibly rare.

We talked a little about an old girlfriend. And what it meant to me. The realistion that people with "sparks" existed. And how complicated that relationship was. I said that was also probably a post doc study right there. We talked some more about it.

And time was gone.

The shrink was careful to note that they wanted to hear what had been bringing me down this week. That it was important. They hadn't forgot.

The shrink is being double mindful with me since the "disruption". They are trying very hard to be the absolute most mindful person they can be. I do appreciate it. It does feel a little at times like being handled with kid gloves though. I am aware. Someone is on maximum soothing with me.

But then perhaps. That's some of what I need. And they are realising that. 

The shrink said if I could discuss it next week it would be good. If that were possible. I said these days I don't usually internally log stuff. I just let it... drift away. Let it go. But I would remember it. As long as you can do that without harm the shrink said. Uh huh.

I gave them a 5 second approximate probable summary. Ok they said. Well. The 5 second approximate response is, perhaps consider how better boundaries would help.

Eh. Meh. Yeah. Sure.

The shrink was amused at my non commital.

I have mentioned multiple times my boundaries are shit.

Oh yes.

Somewhere in the session, I repeated the statement that I couldn't find any sane people in the world. I had been consciously looking for at least the last 10 years and come up empty handed. I'm not sure there are any.

Are you sane the shrink asked ?

Oh god no I said. Ha ha. No. I told you I was broken ! I am not putting myself on some ivory tower !

Just checking the shrink said.

Ha. No. Broken. I know you don't like that word I said.

We then talked some about the nature of Who You Are.

I told them the thing I had learned about you not being you. About what others see in you. And who holds the objective truth. Who is the real you. Is the real you the hero that 200 people around you see you as, or is the real you the twisted miserable depressive you know yourself to be. And the answer was that they all were the real you. And none of them were. But in each persons head there is a real you to them. You can at once be a hero to some, and a horror to yourself.

The shrink, for the record, entirely agreed.

I said that even our own "ultimate truth we are who we think we are" was also at the end of the day, just another imperfect subjective view of ourselves. Our subjectivity being no better than anyone elses. Biased. Twisted. Narrative soaked. And whilst our vote on who we are holds more weight. It's still not the objective truth. And we are many things. To many people. All at the same time. A quantum state.

I said on paper it sounded like madness. This makes no logical sense. But. In actuality. That's exactly how it worked. Multiple truths. Not one. 

And also. This segued into the nature of people. That you can encompass both sinner and saint in one person. Good and Bad. We are all capable of being monsters. 

The shrink marked my homework.

10/10 A+

I am not entirely crackers it turns out.

Or maybe the shrink shares some of my delusions. Also possible.