Aug 21

 Slightly surprised I got through today. Today was appalling.

I woke up head full of concrete, everything aching, two punched eyes, wrinkles, everything swaying, tinnitus screeching, nausea.

I slurred my way to the bathroom a headache developing instantly. Took some aspirin. Went back to bed feeling truly terrible. This. Isn't. Uncommon.

Two hours later woke up to a similar state. The headache was much worse, groggy and dizzy. Oh.

I tried getting up. Staying up. Wobbled my dizzy way to a cup of tea. In case caffeine might help.

It didn't. It got worse. Headache became a migraine. Everything aching. The nausea had the added fun of migraine nausea tickling. That response where it triggers your vomit response - if you get to it, you're doomed you end up in a vomit loop.

At this point I couldn't think straight. No joke. I crawled my way back to bed. Pausing to gasp in pain or regulate some weird body reaction. It was a blur. I was aware of slowly making my way back to bed.

In bed. Worse. At this point, it crossed my mind. Surely. This must be it. It's horrible. My thoughts fragmented. Nonsensical stuff. Nonsensical words. Whert. Whart. Where. Where. Wherg. And then. No. No. No. No. No. Just on repeat.

I knew I had to somehow get to sleep to give me by best shot of riding through it from the migraine point of view, everything else, I don't know - hopefully wouldn't get worse.

The day wore on. No improvement each time I awoke. At some point I stumbled downstairs to pee again and take more aspirin. I didn't know what else to do.

Back to bed. Slept.

It is now 8pm. I have somewhat stabilised. The remnants of the migraine linger on. Grumbling stormclouds in my frontal left lobe - my typical migraine location. I am spacey. I feel incredibly frail. Everything is off. Nausea still present. Eyes feel like two sand traps.

The entire day disappeared in a fog of as bad as it gets suffering.

Half way through it. I considered ending it all. It didn't seem bad. Ending it. It's. Reasonable ? Right. People are not meant to suffer this much.

Part of my brain blur later on featured me stabbing myself repeatedly. Bleeding out in the bathtub. I thought of spiders. It's ok. Spiders are helpful. Even when dead. In the bathtub.

I don't know.

To say it's difficult is stupid.

I think any of these things on their own, just the migraines to the extent I get them, would be challenging to say the least.

Combined together.

I don't know.

It goes off the end of the scale.

The only upside of suffering that much is that thought is nigh on impossible. Feeling sad about things like Athena is impossible. All there is, is the next breath. Down to some horrible level of second to second survival. Grief it seems, requires at least a little space to come together in a cogent way.

So now. Early evening. What do I do with myself. I feel like I've been run over by a truck. The migraine truck. I feel sick - that old possibly CFS related shtick. I feel achey and ill - the cfs shuffle.

I don't know whether to stay still. Try to do something. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Fearful of putting one toe wrong.

I don't know.

Perhaps. Some fresh air.

Fuck my miserable life.