Aug 25

 I am struggling to regain any kind of energy.

I feel low key exhausted today. I forced myself out to drop off an item to Hazel that she kinda needed. I didn't have the energy or wellness for it. But I knew if I didn't force myself out, I am not sure when I would venture out again.

A few hours later I had to leave Hazel's. Just. Burned out. I felt so tired. Exhausted. Like I had done a hard days work.

That's how it feels.

Back in the day if I had done a 12 hour block of coding for work. Or had been busy in the garden. Or doing DIY for a day. I would get that tired heavy feeling.

Now I get it when I do almost nothing. It kicks in hard. And the worse ghost of some infernal exhaustion also kicks in. Some. Terrible form of "tiredness".

Work tomorrow.

And it feels like it's a Friday of a full working week and I've just finished for the weekend.

Except it's the start of the week.

Ho hum.

Apart from - ah ha ha ha - the suffering, the mental struggles with it all, the downward slope et al - the practical side of it I don't know what to do about either. It's been clear for a while that I am struggling to work with Andy anymore. Some weeks are better than others. Personally, I don't think I am worth the squeeze anymore. Everyone - so far - disagrees with me. 

Beyond that. Let's imagine I do wrap up with Andy. I could. In theory. Scrape out a very minimal retirement. Bottom level. No frills. Survival. But. I would be able to survive. I think. But it wouldn't be good.

What else could I do to earn a little money ? I am beyond fucked. I already have a good position, albeit you can argue about the stress of it, the continual challenges of dealing with fuckups and fire fighting. It is not a peaceful environment. As much as Andy screens me these days from much of it. It's still a bit of a cauldron of chaos. But also I am my own worst enemy here. I feel guilty when I am too ill to work. I feel like I don't do enough. Etc. Which doesn't help my health. And that is all me. That is no blame on Andy at all. He has said more than once I could sit there and do fuck all. Any work I do do is a "bonus" to him. But. I can't entirely take him seriously. Or. I won't let myself do that. Whatever it is.

So what else would I do with myself ?

Nothing. I have no energy for it. If I had energy and health, there are a number of possibilities. But I don't. From small scale crafting of things to sell to people. To noodling around with software to sell. Some art-ing. Advice.

I don't know.

The problem really is me. My health. Lack of it. In an even slightly brutal Nietzschean world, I don't deserve to exist. Not very useful anymore. Off to the lime pits with you for decomposition !

Ho hum.

I will continue to try and do my best. It's hard to plan for the future when you're not sure if you're going to be around for 1 year or 10 years or 20. And you have no energy to do fuck all anyway.

Eh meh.

Just mulling things over.

Could I do something work wise with myself that was even less taxing. But still be slightly useful. Still earn a little money.

I dunno.

Keep on as I am I guess. 

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