Aug 26

 Bloodshot eyes, super dark rings under my eyes.

I have dragged myself to be work functional today. Not sure how I did it. I have paid for it with a pervasive headache that threatens to become a migraine.

As the end of the work day comes around I am utterly burned out. I have scheduled my remaining stuff for tomorrow.

I am so incredibly tired. And I feel ill. Too hot. Nauseous. Headache. Everything off.

And of course, on top of it all. The cherry on top.

Incredibly sad.

Today of all things I thought about my aunt and uncle on my moms side. We used to visit them on occasion. My uncle was alright with me. Took me fishing sometimes. Got me my own fishing stuff. Ironically spent more time "doing stuff" with me than my own dad did. Not a high bar to clear.

I have crystal clear memories of their house. I can still remember the address. I can tell you where all the furniture was. What the garden looked like. The lumpen clay soil. It is sharp. And fresh. And perhaps that's one element of the thing that makes me sad.

It doesn't blur out for me. And I can stand there in my memories, and the people that were there in that room. When I was a small kid. And they all seemed immortal adults. They are all gone. I am left on my own. All those memories of what happened. Their stories. Gone.

It fills me with an incredible sadness that I suspect I am not supposed to feel.

To me. In a very real way. It is as if everyone was there, I have blinked my eyes, and now everyone has gone. Dead. I am alone in that room. Sudden. Dramatic. Scary. Like a Twilight Zone episode. And no one remembers what I do. It is as if all that they were has disappeared, and the things I remember are fairy tales to those around me. I might as well be reciting a fantasy novel as to all the relevance it has.

It makes me feel incredibly alone. Incredibly sad. I feel like a ghost walking the halls. And it makes me question hard what the fuck I am still doing here.

I suppose in a way, just some of the timing was always going to be against me. The baby of the family. Everyone else very much my senior. I am, all things being considered, going to stand there and watch everyone else disappear around me that I knew. Those anchors. I will be the last of that era. And as it turns out. I am not well built for that role.

I don't know.

I hate life to be honest. Everyday. 

I have way outlived my usefulness or peace.

As time passes I grow ever more acutely aware of what my mom used to say. Lamenting the fact she was so old. And how she did not want to continue. I get it. Very much. 

By regular measures, I am "too young" to be at that stage. But here I am. In some ways aged out before my time because of health issues.

Anyway.

Headache worsens. Severe exhaustion I suspect.

I need to try to sleep. And see if it helps. 

And like a lot of things.

I find myself missing my aunt and uncle. Those fishing trips. A different time. A different world. A different me.