Aug 27

 Running on fumes. Something weird is going on with my exhaustion and sleep cycle. I can't sleep properly. I am bouncing in and out of sleep an hour at a time. And. Everything is weirdly twitchy. I am getting panic spikes - or something - everytime I sleep and it wakes me up.

And my twitches are up.

It feels like I am in some weirdly exhausted manic state. I don't know. This is new. And I feel. Like I have the flu. Everything is too hot. Way too hot. I feel for want of a better description, like I have a flu. My brain is twitchy and panicky if I try to sleep. I am not really properly sleeping. In out, in out, in out.

I am hoping at some point it evens out. Because. It feels very thin. I feel super stretched. Even for me.

I don't really know what's going on.

I've also been experiencing for the first time in... I don't know. Forever. Hunger pangs at times. Really bad.

Something weird is going on with me.

I'm not sure if I'm about to fry out in some new exciting way I haven't had happen before or it's just a weird new phase.

The panicky sleep bit is super not cool. It's almost like at times I just about hit deep sleep and then bam. I am yanked out of it really quick. And. Another weird thing. I often wake up exhaling in a super weird way. Like. All the breath is being squeezed out of my lungs. I am waking up mid super long exhale. It's. So odd. I have caught myself doing it several times. One long raggedy exhale - not gasping for breath, the reverse. 

Ho hum.

Well.

I guess it's different. As the saying goes. What new fresh hell is this.

Perhaps. This is just a manifestation of extreme stress and extreme exhaustion. So I am literally having sleep panic attacks. Apparently. This can be a thing.

Smells awfully like just more PTSD kind of bullshit. Which if you were a betting person, would be a slam dunk bet. Duh. 

Ho hum.

Today I managed to work. Off and on. My sleep, as already noted, is for shit. So I ended up awake at 4am finally giving up from being blitzed out of sleep every 20 minutes or whatever it is. And instead put some work in. I finished a batch of it up. And then tried sleeping again. To variable response. In. Out. In. Out. Panic.

Afternoon I gave up trying to rest again. Did some more work, stressy stuff. Then got something to investigate and chomped through that. End of the day. Utterly utterly exhausted. Drop down instant asleep kind of exhaustion. Tried sleeping again.

Same shit. In. Out. Panic. In. Out. Panic.

I've shuffled around like a zombie. Tried sleeping at various points. Same result. I am super exhausted. So. I can fall asleep pretty quickly. It's the staying asleep that is the problem.

I uh.

Don't know whether this is related. But uh. I did. "Tell my subconscious", to please keep an eye on my breathing during sleep. We want to try and avoid starving of oxygen. So. Big ask. I know I am not conscious during those times. But. If you could just, monitor the situation and take measures, that would be great.

It was noted half in joke and half not. Can we communicate with the auto pilot.

Perhaps.

I've suceeded rather more well than I anticipated. And now my jumpy sub concious is not letting me sleep.

I dunno. Probably not. Maybe ? It would be hilariously funny if I was able to communicate shit that well between the bits of my brain. Like handing off to the co-pilot and giving them instructions for the flight before buggering off.

Given that in the past I can also do the trick - usually - of waking up on time before an alarm goes off. IE. Some form of uncanny time tracking when asleep. I. Wouldn't entirely rule it out. And, more dysfunctional, in these latter years, I get anxiety waking every hour or so if I know I have to do something the next day and don't have an alarm set. So. Uh huh. Hyper alert sub conscious perhaps. Again. Doesn't seem that far fetched if you assume my state is one of perma stress under assault.

So.

Of course.

I am awake again. After exhaustedly trying to sleep. And again. Waking up with a panic blip.

Sigh.

I am going to mooch around for a while in exhausted fashion. Make a cup of tea.

And try to sleep again.

Meh.

In other news.

Hazel has announced she is off to the US next week. For a good six to eight weeks.

Uh huh.

Her boyfriend was over visiting very recently - heavily precipitated by Hazel losing Poppy.

And this.

Just feels like more of the same.

It doesn't surprise me.

When I saw her the other day, she did say in passing that her flat was "too quiet", and that she needed to sort the place out to make it suitable for fostering dogs. However. I did say to her gently that in all the time I had known her, she had never once "sorted the place out". She lives in a permanent state of borderline hoarder. Kitchens are a permanent disaster zone, as bad as it gets. And you have to weave around to get to a place to sit. Don't get me wrong. I am not criticising her at all. I get it. And personally I don't care what state she is in or otherwise. But objectively, it's hoarder kind of territory. She always says she doesn't have much stuff. And yet. It's everywhere. It is I very strongly suspect part of her mental shape. The whole. ADHD, CPTSD, Borderline soup. I half have this myself. But in my case. It's more of a symptom of being continually ill and exhausted. If I get a bit of energy and wellness, I will put things straight. Or somewhat straight. A clean kitchen. A clean and tidy living room. Etc. When she stays with me, she ends up literally turning one room upside down entirely, a pile of stuff. And keeping on top of the kitchen becomes a never ending challenging of plates, cups and cutlery ( I swear I've never known someone go through so much of it in a single day ).

Anyway.

On the surface. She is doing ok with the loss of Poppy.

Under the surface.

Eh.

A different beast.

She is still managing to basically not spend much time on her own at the moment - which is a good thing. But it does seem where that sometimes stretches to maybe 2 weeks at most. She becomes sketchy. Not in a usual borderline kind of way. But. Something else. Lonely. Perhaps. But also. Something darker. Depressed.

In any case.

Here we are. Out of the blue. Off to stay with the boyfriend for the better part of 2 months.

I did ask bang on the nose, if this was about it being "too quiet". Kind of she said. But also. It was planned.

I think however, this is just a rationalisation. There is no planning there. More desperation than anything. 

Again. I am not criticising. At all. It makes a lot of sense to me. I think it's actually a wise move. And. These changes she is going through are something I expected. She has not been properly on her own in over a decade. Always a pet. And people. Or both. And now she has none. It's a hard thing to adjust to. And I think you are seeing the very clear responses showing.

Difficult to say how this ends up.

Safe to say not with a status quo. Things are going to change. Looking ahead, I can only imagine that one of a couple of things will end up happening in the back end of October when she comes back to the UK and none of them are good. But eh, probably best left unsaid. If needed when it comes to it, I'll do my best to give her some support. And who knows. Maybe it will all turn out tickety boo.

One wildcard is that she finally has been given the greenlight to be put on ADHD meds. She has had to fight hard for this, for one, because worldwide there is apparently a shortage of ADHD meds, and the UK being the UK, they are reticent about putting people on it. And two, ADHD meds and borderline diagnoses pose significant risks. It can make borderline people psychotic. Hazel has completely waved this off as a nothing burger. The literature about it, and the health professionals she meets, do the very much opposite. It could be that once she gets ADHD meds she will even out a great deal and turn her life around. It could be that it doesn't have much effect. And it could also be she ends up in some killing rage and unable to see the wood for the trees. Depending how that wildcard plays out also impacts her possible futures.

Ho hum.