Aug 29

 Finally managed to sleep. 12 odd hours in one go. Thursday half disappeared because of it. I didn't really stir until 5pm.

I woke up in a not great but not terrible state. For me, most decidedly up. I checked online just to monitor work, only to find half a dozen panicked messages. Even a text message on my phone. But. I was gone. And these days. It can be hard to get hold of me at the best of times. If I am online, and you know where I lurk online, you're good. If I am not. You're not going to be able to reach me. Not text. Not phone. Nada.

A problem had come up at the end of Wednesday to look at. I had investigated, assessed, and as no one offered any direction when asked, and the problem seemed an issue but not an emergency, I had stated a clear schedule of not rushing it, and talking it over with our senior dev next week.

However.

The usual anxiety train had triggered.

Client had phone. Which immediately sets Andy off into high anxiety. Which he immediately looks to transfer. This has always been his way. And these days I think the effect is worse. It rattles him a lot.

Hence the mild panic on Thursday. Where were we with the problem. Regardless of the fact I had clearly communicated where we were and the timeline.

I acknowledged the panic and set off to make a cup of tea. My first of the day at 5pm.

As I shuffled about half asleep and put the trash out, I emerged into an utterly beautiful peaceful evening. England doing its very finest work to be that peak English later summer evening. Not too warm. Cool with a lovely breeze. Warm enough to sit out but not overheat. And the air was fresh and clean with a zing in the air.

It is the quintessential reason that England, and particularly places like Norfolk, can at times in my humble opinion, be some of the best places on the planet to just chill. It is beautiful. 

I immediately wanted to sit outside and soak up the chill atmosphere.

But not on my own.

On a whim I decided to check what Hazel was doing. My best bet of someone being available at random at no notice. Albeit she is likely as not these days to be in a funk and not want to move.

Surprisingly she was up for going out.

So. Instead of tea. And work. I went out for the evening.

My sleep had done me some good. I had a little energy. Not a lot. But some. I felt only slightly ill - enough to override to go out.

So I picked Hazel up - of course did some chores for her... of course... - and then just ended up sitting outside at a pub, with a drink, and dinner, in the absolute best place on earth. Really. At that point in time. I wouldn't have wished to be anywhere else. It is one of the reasons why I have stuck to living where I do. It is at times, beautiful.

 

And whilst we had dinner we had visitors. Multiple dogs. One cat. A few animal hugs and scritches. One very keen and lively husky who jumped up for a hug. Hello buddy. Nice to meet you.

The food was good. The place was peaceful and quiet. And the sun slowly slipped to the horizon.

A very friendly visitor. Demanded sritches a few times.

 Came home tired, nearing burn out, but, was good. Didn't quite burn out.

Rested some. Then did the work problem. Into the small hours of the morning. Fixed it all up. Posted the results. And slept.

Today I have had some energy. Slept a little better. Felt a little better. Mood a little better. As one thing rises, so do they all.

Today I have felt rested. The first time in a long time. 

It's very unlikely to last. History tells us that sure enough, I will slump again into the mud.

But for a while at least, I have been able to take a breath. Enjoy an evening. Rest during the day.

It did occur to me whilst sitting enjoying the sunset and the water, that this is what my life should look like. All the time in the world to enjoy things. No worries about money or responsibilities. Nowhere to be. Nothing to have to do. Just. Free. To chill. And enjoy. But it isn't. It is a twisted horror of misery and health issues instead. Despite everything else largely being solved. I said as much to Hazel. It was a sad lament. I was ok. But. Tinged with melancholy. That I could not always enjoy things like this.

Spoke with Hazel a little about her trip to the US. We nudged around the subject of it being sudden. It is indeed a reaction to being lonely without Poppy. She will be off to the US for six weeks as of next week. It's clear she hasn't thought through the long term implications. She is still actively working through it. Which is of course fine. But I can see her path ahead. She currently has her eyes at her feet. 

I think I need some more randomly available at no notice friends.

People I can just get to do things with me. When that most random of planetary alignments happen and I feel ok, am not energy flat, and it's the right time of the day to go do something.

One of the things I value in Hazel is her high availability.

Doing things at the drop of a hat on a whim is a big deal to me. I need to be able to do that to breathe. Schedules and plans smother me.

Ideally. I'd have a whole cadre of laid back people I could just spontaneously go do something with.

But. Realistically. Who is that going to be ? People tend to be wrapped up in work, child rearing, businesses, adult plans, adult schedules to be that kind of spontaneous bohemian. Maybe I need to find a bunch of wayward artists who don't subscribe to a 9 to 5 lifestyle. I think. That's probably most of it. As much as I hate corps and the 9 to 5 bullshit grind. It seems. I also dislike people who have to work within that framework. They become coloured by the thing they do. Locked in that same soulless grind. Always too busy to do something now. Always some lame diary entry a month away from doing something.

It feels like to me, it's an absolute killer of some part of being human. The spontaneous. Murdered. By some corporate bureaucractic machine that is addicted to spreadsheets and timesheets, and schedules and budgets and wants everything to work like a machine and not a human.

Modern fucking world. And it's shitty way of doing things. I despise it.

And apparently I despair of people who are locked into it. I didn't realise that. But I do. Now I think about it. I kind of see them as prisoners. With half their humanity removed.

I wonder what that says about me and my allergy to any kind of schedule.

Perhaps it's the gypsy genes. Ho ho. Anti authoritarian. Anti schedule. Anti corp. Anti locked down bullshit. Pro freedom. Pro bohemian.

Uh huh.