Aug 30

A layer of exhaustion fuzz sits over me today. I'm ok. But it's noticeable. A slowing building up layer of "dust". A small step down from yesterday. Everything a little more fuzzy. A little slower. A little heavier. A little more lag. Sediment settling on top of the structure. Also. It has to be said. I had a return of the panicked sleep blip. Only the once. But still. Uh huh.

But overall, exhaustion wise, it figures. And is very much how this can go.

I got lost playing a game yesterday. Lost track of time. Ended up playing for a considerable amount of time. Again, first time that has happened in forever. It has, just that subtle layer of consequences going on beneath it that allow me to suddenly function like that. Because I have a little more energy. Because I am not feeling so ill. Suddenly I don't feel the tug of exhaustion. Sickness. When I have played for "too long".

If you are watching closely. You can see all these little signs and flags in me that like nothing else communicate quite clearly how I am feeling and doing. Better arguably than me trying to describe how shit I feel at any given moment.

I had it the other day with Hazel. She wanted to pick up a few supplies. But I was near burn out. I could feel it. But she pushed. And sometimes. Those signals in me are so subtle - which is not to say they aren't dramatically impactful - but they can be so subtle as to start to paddle in the waters of "social interaction". You can be pushed around by others wants or needs. It overrides your subtle signals. Even though you're working hard to try and listen carefully to those subtle signals, because the consequences of not are terrible. And part of the problem is all your usual warning signs and normal operation of body have gone. None of the dials work anymore. None of the phonelines. It goes from shaky to absolute emergency in the blink of an eye, no warning.

So. We did her supplies. And drip by drip. I started to lose it. But again. How does it manifest. I get quieter. And quieter. And slower. And slower. My focus becomes withdrawn. I am not engaged. As my battle becomes internally significant. It is the slow decline into a serious health issue. You know. At those times. When you become so ill the rest of the world fades out. Becomes unimportant. For me, I've had that so many times. When you're at a point when all you can feel is your own heartbeat. Trying desperately to stabilise. What everyone else is doing or thinking goes out of the window entirely. It's that collapsed on the floor struggling for breath whilst everyone else hovers over you dealio.

In any case.

I survived. Hazel has, kind of learned to take that shit seriously when I vocalise a problem. But, typically, if she needs something doing, she pushes it. But she is mindful of it too. She errs on the side of taking the piss. Of course. She has always been that way. Sometimes to a horrible degree. She is better than she was.

But.

Perhaps this is important. That I should not rely on others being "kind" to me or mindful. That I must be firmer in my boundaries ( duh in general ) when it comes to how I am feeling health wise.

Today I am, of course, going to take it easy. Not do anything. Play some games. 

I do idly wonder sometimes whether taking an enormous chunk of time off from work. Of any kind of stress like that. Would benefit me. A year off. Two years off.

But then. Such a long length of time would be tantamount to retiring. I very much doubt I could return to work after such a length of time off given my current reality.  20 years ago. Better. Now. Yeah. Not so much.

I have a little suspect inkling, that just plopping down for a year or two and soaking up nature might make some strides in making me feel better. Maybe, unlikely, super unlikely, fix a lot of what ails me.

A bigger part of me thinks this is wishful thinking. And has no basis in reality.

I don't know.

In a perfect world, you'd give it a go and see if it worked.

It's not a perfect world. So I don't.

Human experience right there. Who but the very few in the world, get to do what it is that would most benefit their health. And how many of the bulk of the rest of the cattle are forced to do what they must in order to survive.

It is the awful brutal cruel reality of the greedy capitalist system.

So much plenty. So many labour saving mechanisms and industries. Technology that has pushed us to the brink of almost idle leisure, whilst our clever tools do all the manual work.

And yet here we are.

Living in a self created hellscape. A system designed to put artificial suffering in place, where the natural world ones have been conquered, and then monetise it to create that scale of haves and have nots. A scale of worth. Because it is a scale of suffering.

It is utterly idiotic.

We could live in a near utopia if we so chose it.

We chose to live in a dystopia where people literally die.

Because that we we can experience the heady wonders of greed and avarice.

So stupid.

We deserve our stupid fates. And all of us, rich and poor, quick and slow, strong and weak will sink on the same boat. Because there is only one boat. And drilling holes in it, even if it's in the "shitty end of the boat", will sink the whole boat. 

Moronic.