Aug 7

 Short.

Crashed hard today.

Worked a lot.

I was weaving exhausted by just after midday. I could feel myself coming and going out of lucidity. That odd kind of submerged under water you get when you're super tired.

But. I adrenalined up. Annoyed. Angry. Frustrated. With work. And burned.

Hazel is off for a week to house sit her friends house. So she wanted the laptop.

Still hopped up on adrenaline I took it over to her, still seething from work. But it was energy. Got to her place. Dropped it off. Had something to eat. And I started to drop dramatically. I started to feel ill in that vague borderlands of crashing exhaustion way that builds to a horrible point. I struggled to get to my feet to go home.

On the way home, stopping at traffic lights, my attention can drop a little I could feel it. A desperate tugging at me. Can't sustain, can't sustain. My head weaved a bit. Lights change. Concentration up.

I made it home literally gasping for air. Heart palpitations. Ok. Super bad.

Shoes kicked off. Jeans kicked off. Bathroom. Bed. 8.30pm. Super badly wiped. So badly wiped I didn't even stabilise in bed. Struggling. Oh no. Too low. Tooooo low.

I crashed hard into sleep.

I woke up 2 hours later feeling utterly awful. Eyes a mess. Feet had swollen up. Energy wiped. My heart skittered weirdly. Pangs of chest pain. Oh. Oh. This is what I had for many months.

I shifted position with a groan - like a bag of rocks I hadn't moved. And went back to sleep.

It is now another 3 hours later and I have emerged awful into a little wakefulness. It has taken me 5 minutes to sit up straight. It is impossible ! Like weighing ten times as much as you should do. Like gravity has suddenly increased.

I am coming up for air for a little bit. Get a drink. Chill. Then sleep again. I am dangerously exhausted to where sleeping for a long time has the air of taking me down and never letting me back again. It very much feels like so little energy that sleeping is not a given. There's not enough energy to sleep either. Not enough to keep all the systems working that should be working when you sleep. And instead they switch off. And you're not conscious of it.

I made a bad couple of mistakes today.

I burned hard at work trying to get through a frustrating infrastucture issue caused by our shitty new strategies. And then I just went out on pure anger adrenaline. When I had already hit the buffers hours ago.

I have to be more careful. And it's another lesson I have to pay attention to my shitty limits.

Ugh.

I shall sit for a bit. Until I have the energy to move from sitting up to standing up. Get some fresh water. And then sleep again.

My head is clouding already. Brain fog. Headache grumbles coming on. All the warning lights are flashing. 

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